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General Pooclub Chats

PoemFactory: A Poem For Simon

The following conversation did not actually take place in pooclub. It was a private conversation that Mike found himself dragged into when taking up PoemFactory's offer to write a poem that he could use as best man at his mate Simon's forthcoming wedding.

Having dutifully filled in the order form in which he selected the framed poem and described Simon as "a twat", the following dialogue ensued...

PoemFactory:

mike,

Thank you for your order. I'll be in touch soon to discuss the poem.

Cheers,

Kate ([email protected])

Mike:

That's an automated email, isn't it? You're really at work right now.

Hmmmph

PoemFactory:

Dear Mike,

Thankyou for your order.

Please could you email me at your earliest convenience with the following information:

1) Your preferred gift item (we currently offer poems emailed, framed or in greetings cards, please check www.poemfactory.com for prices and details).

2) How quickly you need your poem. Most of our poems take approximately one week to churn out, but we may be able to produce something of lesser quality if you really can't wait that long.

3) The style of your poem. We currently have around 120 poets working at poemfactory.com who are all semi-competent in a variety of writing styles. please choose from:
a) Romantic (i.e. 'Thou hast...')
b) Limerick ('there was a young man...'
c) Rhymeless / Modern
d) Bog standard Shite.
e) Other (please specify)

Thank you for choosing poemfactory.com for your gift requirements. If you have any queries please do not hesitate to keep them to yourself. I look forward to hearing from you very soon.

Kate@
Poemfactory.com

Mike:

Pah! Another automated email! I want to speak to a real person! If you've got 120 of them surely you can drag one of them away from whatever doggerel they're currently scrawling for just five minutes.

I am a customer, you know.

Mike
real person

PoemFactory:

Dear Customer,

Thank you for your email regarding our automated email service.

Unfortunately there is nobody available to respond personally to your query at present. Please accept our apologies for any inconvenience this might cause you at this time.

If you have submitted an order and have received an email asking you to provide further information, please do so at your earliest convenience.

Thank you for choosing Poemfactory.com for all your gift needs.

Customer support@
Poemfactory.com

Mike:

Aaaaarrrrggghhhhh!!!!!!! Just give me my bloody poem!

CAN I SPEAK TO THE MANAGER!!!!!!!!!

Mike

Poemfactory:

I can't do your fucking poem til you tell me what the fuck you want, you cunt.

Thank you for choosing poemfactory.com for all your fucking gift requirements, my arse.

Minion@
Poemfactory.com

Mike:

I want a fucking poem about fucking Simon! You fucking know Simon, you know what the fuck he's like! Just do one about the fucker!

(Just try to leave out the word "fucking" in the poem. His dad's a high ranking officer in the RAF.)

Mike
awkward customer

PoemFactory:

Dear Awkward Customer,

Well give me the fucking info I need and I'll write your fucking poem you nobsac. Really, all this abuse could have been avoided if you just fucking did what I fucking asked to fucking well begin with.

Agitated@
poemfactory.com

Mike:

Oh, I see! So I've got to do what YOU say!!! Call that service? Honestly, your system is so fucking complicated that I may as well have written the fucking poem my-fucking-self! And after all this fucking bickering I can't even fucking remember what the fuck it was that I was fucking supposed to fucking do.

So, fucking fuck off!

Poem Factory, my fucking arse.

Mi-fucking-ke

PoemFactory:

Cunt,

I can't make you a fucking gift poem if I don't know whether you want the fucking thing emailed or framed or fucking written in blood across my fucking chest. Seriously mate, it's customers like you who make me want to fucking develop fucking writer's block and never write another fucking poem fucking ever.

Just tell me how you want the fucking thing and I'll fucking write it in any fucking style I fucking well see fit.

And fuck off while you're doing it.

Fucked off@
Poemfuckingfactory.com


And before Mike got a chance to argue that he'd already submitted that information in the original request form...

PoemFactory:

Dear Customer,

Please find attached your best man's speech. I hope you are happy with your poem. If not, please return it unworn to poemfactory.com within 28 days of purchase for a full refund. Your statutory rights will not be affected.

Thankyou for choosing poemfactory, etc.

kate@
...


And here is the poem....

Ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys,
If I might have a moment without too much noise,
I have a few words I would quite like to share,
So please just shut up, and remain in your chair.
Now as you all know I am Simon’s best man,
I’m not quite sure why, but I’ll do what I can,
I can only assume that his friends are quite sparse,
Well, there’s Ian I guess, but then he’s just an arse.

So here we are gathered on this wondrous day,
I’ve thought long and hard about what I should say,
But failing to come up with some words from my head,
I paid a crap web site to do it instead.
So here is my speech, and it shouldn’t last long,
They charge by the word at poemfactory.com.
I’m skint at the mo so I’m keeping this swift
(As you can probably tell by my gift).

So Simon and Nicky are why we are here,
Eating posh food and enjoying free beer,
For never a couple have been quite so great,
Excuse me one moment while I just fill my plate.
The wedding was lovely, I’m sure you’ll agree,
A marvellous day out, and all of it free,
And you all look divine, as I glance round the room,
It’s just a shame that we can’t tell the bride from the groom.

So let me now say a few words about Si,
I’ve known him for years, he’s a hell of a guy,
A real man’s man, he is honest and strong,
Well, a hundred or so women just can’t be wrong,
For that is how many this great man has laid,
(They might not be wrong, but they were probably paid).
But that has all changed, he is married at last,
And, at least for today, that is all in the past.

He’s left behind all of those mad days of youth,
Wine women and song… Yeah, ok, now the truth:
He’s dumped all the porn mags from under his bed,
Sold his games console and bought curtains instead,
His Cardiacs C.D.s are all given away,
Or swapped for some Dido and some David Gray,
He’s taken down all of his pictures of Spock,
His new bride insisted, for the good of his… health.

So that was my speech and it’s cost me a packet,
In just two quick ticks you can resume your racket,
And loudly enjoy what is left of the day,
As frankly I have nothing else left to say,
You might as well drink up or go on the pull,
‘Cause between me and you, the groom’s really quite dull,
And before you can blink we will meet here once more,
At his wife’s divorce bash, when she’s dumped the sad bore.

Mike:

An' about time too. I hope I don't have to fill out a customer satisfaction form now.

Mike
you've got to argue 'til you're blue in the face


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