On being asked to be Best Man at a friend's wedding, Mike commissioned Kate to help out with the speech.
Best Man's Speech To Simon
Ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys,
If I might have a moment without too much noise,
I have a few words I would quite like to share,
So please just shut up, and remain in your chair.
Now as you all know I am Simonís best man,
Iím not quite sure why, but Iíll do what I can,
I can only assume that his friends are quite sparse,
Well, thereís Ian I guess, but then heís just an arse.
So here we are gathered on this wondrous day,
Iíve thought long and hard about what I should say,
But failing to come up with some words from my head,
I paid a crap web site to do it instead.
So here is my speech, and it shouldnít last long,
They charge by the word at poemfactory.com.
Iím skint at the mo so Iím keeping this swift
(As you can probably tell by my gift).
So Simon and Nicky are why we are here,
Eating posh food and enjoying free beer,
For never a couple have been quite so great,
Excuse me one moment while I just fill my plate.
The wedding was lovely, Iím sure youíll agree,
A marvellous day out, and all of it free,
And you all look divine, as I glance round the room,
Itís just a shame that we canít tell the bride from the groom.
So let me now say a few words about Si,
Iíve known him for years, heís a hell of a guy,
A real manís man, he is honest and strong,
Well, a hundred or so women just canít be wrong,
For that is how many this great man has laid,
(They might not be wrong, but they were probably paid).
But that has all changed, he is married at last,
And, at least for today, that is all in the past.
Heís left behind all of those mad days of youth,
Wine women and songÖ Yeah, ok, now the truth:
Heís dumped all the porn mags from under his bed,
Sold his games console and bought curtains instead,
His Cardiacs C.D.s are all given away,
Or swapped for some Dido and some David Gray,
Heís taken down all of his pictures of Spock,
His new bride insisted, for the good of hisÖ health.
So that was my speech and itís cost me a packet,
In just two quick ticks you can resume your racket,
And loudly enjoy what is left of the day,
As frankly I have nothing else left to say,
You might as well drink up or go on the pull,
ĎCause between me and you, the groomís really quite dull,
And before you can blink we will meet here once more,
At his wifeís divorce bash, when sheís dumped the sad bore.