"Congratulations," he proclaimed,
"You're the winner of the game
You entered in a shop of ties.
I must present you with your prize."
He handed me a bunch of grapes
Of rich and rare assorted shapes.
I picked one which bore great resemblance
To the fourth of Zeppelin's emblems.
The skin then split, the flesh it parted,
From it shoals of mullet darted
Fleeing from a mad old woman
Who the devil she did summon.
Before me stood the Prince of Darkness
Gnawing on a mongoose carcass.
He said "This tastes a little coarse,
Do you have some tartare sauce?"
I put my hand inside my jacket
And produced a little packet
Of the relish he required
That I'd nicked when feeling tired
In the Burger King in Wapping
After doing lots of shopping
For some trousers and a dress
And toilet rolls - but I digress.
So Satan took the condiment
And on it he did compliment
And said it made his meal right tasty
And that he'd been much too hasty
To condemn so many souls
To watching endless games of bowls
In a poky little cell
'Cos that's what happens down in hell.
He raised his hand and thus decreed
That all these sinners should be freed
And mankind should not face temptation
And risk eternal damnation,
But one man called Egbert Moles
Said that he liked watching bowls
And why should his joy be denied
By Satan changing to divine.
Then God said "It's OK young man,
Come up to heaven. Here you can
Watch bowls all night and every day,
It's all the same here anyway.
Since Satan's ceased to be a cad
I'll have a go at being bad.
I'll drink and smoke and shag the chicks
And over use the asterisk."*
(*A crime of which many writers are guilty.)
Auntie Brenda's Pheasant
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