I Walked On...
I Walked On Golden Sandwiches

I walked on golden sandwiches
The doughy softness 'neath my feet
Where seldom one disparages
The choice they make to eat.

For here was egg and cress and cheese
And bacon, beef and ham
And there was chicken Milanese
And turkey, tongue and Spam.

I skirted round the gilded crusts
As though it were the sarny's gutter
Where seeping out like yellowed rust
Was "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter"

Oh, wondrous sandwiches that gleam
Whose true abode would be Fort Knox
I cannot but hold you in esteem
Yet trample you in shoes and socks.

And as I leapt from 'wich to 'wich
And bounded in the fluffiness
I stumbled on a teenage witch
Of most unsightly scruffiness.

She played upon a concertina
Touting for odd bits of change.
She said, "Yes, I am Sabrina
And I know that this looks strange."

"You see my audience has dropped
'Cos people tired of comic witches.
And since my T.V. show has flopped
I've gone and blown all of my riches.

Drink and drugs then took their toll
And gambling took the dosh I'd made
And then I was living in a hole
Cold and hungry and so afraid.

But then I found a ragged script
That of the final episode
That ne'er was shot because they'd nipp'd
The ailing series in the bud.

And hence there lay one final spell
That no one from the show had uttered.
And all at once I knew too well
Just how my bread was to be buttered

Gold! I cried. Oh give me gold
Let it be my daily bread
Give me riches to behold
And live with until I am dead.

And now you see my sorry state,
No longer hungry, no longer poor.
But I must bear my awful fate
For from this place there is no door.

So, please, I beg you, spare some change
For begging's all I do
My hair is ridden with the mange
And I sleep in my own poo."

And as I looked upon this wretch
I knew she told the truth
For from her came an awful stench
Which made me go "Gor Streuth!"

But then my blood began to race
And I smacked her round the head
And as I kicked her in the face
This is what I said:

"You silly, stupid, soddin' bitch
No way am I gonna pay yer.
I've no time for a teenage witch
For I am Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

I Walked On Cake And Ether

I walked on cake and ether
For a thousand years or more
Each step was slow and sticky
My feet were numb yet sore
Between my toes the crumbs grew
But the ether made them stumble
Next time let me walk on coke
And Sara Lee apple crumble.

I Walked On My Own Feet A Bit

I Walked On My Own Feet A Bit

I walked on my own feet a bit
It really was quite novel
'Twas nice to take the air and leave
My rancid scummy hovel.
I'd been asleep a hundred years
And missed a century
And, oh, what wondrous things there were
Around for me to see.

A carriage minus horses
A grape without a pip
A little pill that sends you on
A mind-expanding trip.
An episode of Star Trek
On a digital TV
A frozen apple crumble
From the hands of Sara Lee

The internet! A site with poems
That are completely Shite.
A washing powder that can get
Your clothes completely white.
A plastic card that gets you cash
Directly from a bank
Magazines of naked chicks
To help you have a wank.

Then soon enough my day was done
I staggered home to bed
Another hundred years sleep
I need to feed my head.
And as I lay back down I thought
Of all these glorious things
Can't wait to see just what the next
One hundred years brings.

I Walked On My Hands But My Head Filled With Blood

I walked on my hands but my head filled with blood,
And my palms were all scabby and covered in mud,
And I bumped into things, as I walked back to front,
I must be a bit of a cunt.

I walked on my hands but my head went all funny
My pockets tipped up and I lost all my money
I bit off my tongue as I ran for the bus
And now I am covered in pus.

I walked on my hands but my head felt all queer
I couldn't sit down and kept dropping my beer
And after a while I just thought 'sod this'
I was sick of drinking piss.

February 2000

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