Across My Knee
I Love You
I love you though you are a rat
I love you though you hate my cat
I love you more than Martin Plait
I love you even though you're fat.
I love you more each waking day
I love you more in every way
I love you and to you I pray
I love you, even though you're gay.
I love you with your eyes so blue
I love you and I dream of you
I love you with a love so true
I love you though you smell of poo.
I love you from your back to front
I love you sharp, not ever blunt
I love you, up a tree I shunt,
I love you, you're a total darling.
While You Were Working
I know it's been a little while
Since I last wrote you some verse,
And mailed it to you while at work
To make your day less worse;
To bring a twinkle to your eye,
A spring into your walk,
Some roasted chestnuts to your fire,
Some pepper to your pork.
So here then are some simple lines
To brighten up your day;
I hope that God smiles down on you
In every holy way;
I hope fresh petals spring anew
Beneath your nimble feet;
And that they let you take cake home,
For your fair wife to eat.
I hope your smile remains all day,
I hope your skies are blue;
I hope that you find loveliness,
In everything you do.
I hope crap women, spoiled and thick
Don't aggitate your soul;
And that if Liverpool are playing today,
They manage to get a goal.
I hope your colleagues, blessed lambs,
Do not make you see red;
And try to ruin your web site,
With their silly dizzy heads.
And make you eat bad burgars,
You wish you had not ate,
And say things like a thicky
Who once studied at the Met.
But most of all I hope that you
Are filled with love for me -
And if you're not, when you get home,
I'll put you across my knee.
I Send You Poems From My Heart
I send you poems from my heart
But you just sit and smell your farts
You do not care because you think
I'm just a great fat blobby stink.
I once was thin and then adored
But I got fat and you grew bored
You never rung me up at home
From work, you left me all alone.
And all my emails were dismissed
As silly things, no longer missed,
My love for you remained as strong
While yours for me began to pong.
You look at nurses' legs all day
While I just sit and cry away.
You feast on burgers, buns and cake,
While I recall your face and ache.
Oh Nathon, where is our true love?
Has it gone to heaven above?
Where is your heart? It is not mine!
And for it I do sit and pine.
Where has that loving feeling gone?
How did our love go quite so wrong?
I know that yours for me has died,
And I'll no longer be your bride.
Some other girl will wear your ring,
A nicer girl who does not ming,
A girl that's nice and much less smelly,
With better legs and smaller belly.
A lovely girl who will not moan
At night when she's left all alone,
Who will not keep you up all night,
And make your mornings tired and shite.
A girl who's fun and thin and tall
And not shaped like a billiard ball
A girl who'll give you all you need
And not talk when you work or read.
I know this girl will one day come
And I'll be thrown out on my bum,
A useless Kate, no longer needed,
A hundred warnings gone unheeded.
I shed a tear as I recall,
Our love was once a non-stop ball,
You used to ring me all the time,
To find out if my day was fine.
But it's okay, please do not worry,
Just keep eating cake and curry,
And pretending your job is really hard,
Whilst sat there like a tub of lard.
Poor old Kate so long forgotten,
Her heart is sad, her life is rotten,
I wish that you did love me still,
But you don't so I score nil.
The football you prefer to me
You watch it on our crap TV
And though I nibble on your ear,
You do not see, you do not hear.
Oh Nathon what became of us?
I thought out love was strong,
Was it run over by a bus?
How did it go so wrong?
I know your love for me has died,
I know your heart is cold,
Perhaps it's cos I'm big and fat
And ugly, dull and old.
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