"The Cuntlip Tidy is what women's gashes have been crying out for."
"My fanny flaps used to dangle so far down my thigh that I dared not wear a short skirt.
Now with my Cuntlip Tidy I can wear a mini without worry!"
- Mrs Edith Gumbit, Surrey
It's Time To Tidy Up Those Tatty Twats
Have your flaps gone all floppy? Are your lips limp and loose?
These days women face a multitude of potential problems with their fannies, not least of all
is keeping the complicated bits of their vaginas under control.
Left to their own devices labias grow wild leaving a once fine looking fadge resembling
an overgrown Web's Wonder lettuce.
The Cuntlip Tidy - a revolution in pudenda management
But what can be done about it?
Well, help is now at hand with a revolutionary new invention - the Cuntlip Tidy!
This handy little plastic gizmo is everything you need to keep the beef curtains hanging in a respectable
Its inventor Professor Ignatius Drapier of Scunthorpe University told us,
"The Cuntlip Tidy is what women's gashes have been crying out for.
As solutions for women's problems regarding breasts and arses have been proffered
and heavily marketed, the issues of a well presented salmon canyon have been neglected
in the past."
The professor went on to explain that priced at a modest £29.95 the Cuntlip Tidy
is expected to reach sales of 100,000 in its first three months in the U.K. alone.
"And it is completely safe," he went on to add.
"The problems we had with early prototypes which had a tendency to clamp the urethra tight shut,
or cause chafing on the fourchette, or even slice the labia majora clean off have all but been
"I used to have no end of trouble finding my wife's clitoris.
But now that her plumber's toolbag is properly organised I can go straight to it!"
- Mr Gavin Monkfish, Bletchley
The Cuntlip Tidy will be available to the public from next week and judging by responses
from beta testers it looks like it's going to be a firm winner.
Something for her next birthday, chaps?
Or perhaps a stocking filler?
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