All At Sea
What shall I write about today?
I haven't got a clue.
I've written poems on all the things
On which I hold strong views.
And now at last I've drawn a stump,
My mind has gone all blank.
Time, I think, to go upstairs
And listen to some Hank.
Bloody hell! What's wrong with me?
See what I just wrote?
I missed a really obvious rhyme!
It's time to get my coat.
No more poems from me today,
I'm truly out of luck.
I've lost the knack to write rude words,
It seems I'm totally stuck.
Oh no! I just did it again!
My rhymes have gone all bad
Normally I'd have seen that coming.
Oo! It makes me mad.
I just can't seem to end my verses
With a rhyme that's witty
Everytime I try it
They just fail... oh, what a pity.
Right! That's it! I'm giving up.
I'm throwing in the towel.
May as well become a monk
With a robe and cowl.
I'll only end up cross which will
Then make me scream and grunt
And everyone will laugh and say,
"Oh, what a stupid stunt!"
Maybe I should change my tack
And stop writing this drivel
If I carry on like this
My brain might go and shrivel.
Instead I'm going to turn my back
On puerile poems and tales,
And only write about nice things
Like flowers and trees and whales.
Oh yes, I'm going to use my art
To help to save the planet.
And all that crap I did before,
I'm simply going to can it.
Right, OK, that's it, let's go,
You're reading the new me.
I'm going to use my powers for good,
Not evil. Yes, you'll see...
So, let us start with dolphins.
Well, they're nice. Just, look! They are!
So careful as you're driving now;
Don't hit one with a car.
Oh, cars are bad, oh yes, they are.
They give off air pollution.
So drive them where there is no air.
There, that's another solution.
And elephants, one moment please
while I just look them up...
Ah, yes, it says right here
That elephants are good.
So feed them lots of trees because
That's what they like to munch
Trees...? Just a sec, I thought I'd read
About them over lunch.
Oh no, it says that trees are good,
We mustn't chop them down.
That means to save them we must gun
All elephants to the ground.
Well that's a total contradiction,
Makes no sense to me.
I'm all confused now, lost and muddled,
Truly all at sea.
Maybe I should stick what
I know I do so well,
Churning out a load of puerile
Poems that simply smell.
Doing good and getting into
Isn't quite my cup of tea.
It's actually rather tough.
My Old Man's A Dustman
My Old Man's a dustman
And it really doesn't suit me
Listen to my sorry tale,
I'm sure you won't refute me.
'Cause when I need my Old Man
For a shag or just a slash
My Old Man is down your way
Disposing of your trash.
Early in the morning
When I wake up with the horn
My Old Man's been round the streets
Since the crack of dawn.
He empties all the wheelie bins
And loads them on the truck.
But that's no good to me now
When I'm trying to have a fuck.
Now I'm not one to stand in
The way of his career.
But how I really hate it
When I find he isn't here.
At times when I am bursting
And the pressure's on my bladder,
That's when I need my Old Man
Instead of getting madder.
I wish that he could find a job
Where he could work from home
Instead of being out all day
Where on the streets he'll roam.
Some say I shouldn't moan so much
And ought to be more lenient,
But my Old Man's a dustman
And it's bloody inconvenient.
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