When The Chips Are Down


When it comes to licking fannies
I have to draw the line at grannies.
If I'm with a rank old crone,
I'm sure I'd leave her muff alone.
Not that I'm against old dears
But oral sex would lead to tears,
So, I'd rebuff without a mention
Somebody who draws a pension.

Normally I'm not that fussy
About my tongue's allotted pussy.
I don't mind a pungent box
That smells like fish from Grimsby docks.
Unwashed twats of rancid wenches
With a multitude of stenches
Do not put me off one bit
From a taste of slimy clit.

But flaps that have seen better days
Are ones from which I'll run away.
Wrinkly, saggy, floppy curtains
Are a turn off, that's for certain.
Chomping on an old pudenda
Will not be on my agenda.
So, if you get cheap rail travel,
Your piss flaps I'll not unravel.

If you're getting on a bit
And on my face you'd like to sit,
I'm sorry, love, you're just too old
And I'll not burrow in your folds.
But if you've gone to meet your maker
I'd go round your undertaker
Where I'd munch those broken bits
Made brittle by rigor mortis.

Theme For An Imaginary Soap

Theme For An Imaginary Soap

You know we can't stand each other but we live in the same street
We whinge and whine and moan as if we've got nothing to eat
And none of us have got the sense to move right out of here
And so we'll wander down the pub because it's so damn near.

Maybe for a change I think I'll pop into the caff.
Or perhaps the corner shop might be good for a laugh
But no matter where you go you'll never find a friend
'Cos when the chips are down you know you live at life's arse end

Tree Hugging

Tree Hugging

I like trees when I'm all trippy
I'll hug them like some Greenpeace hippie
I rub myself against the trunk
And leave behind a glob of spunk.

Best of all I like the oak
A woodpecker's hole is great to poke
Sometimes I will go for ash
But once I got a dreadful rash

Never again shall I try holly
That I found a foolish folly
The same applies to larch and pine
They really made me wince and whine

A fling I had with a sequoia
Left me suffering from paranoia
But then the comfort of a plane
Helped me become once more sane.

I had a period of monogamy
Faithful to just one mahogany
Then one day behind my back
She had the chopper of a lumberjack

So now I'll go for larch and elm
And all fine trees throughout the realm
And when my head is on my pillow
I sleep and dream a dream of willow.



Lick your lips!
Get some dips
and swing your hips.
Forget about life's blips
And drips,
Just get a plate of chips!

When the winter snow, it nips,
And pierces like a thousand whips,
And devastating north wind rips,
Be heated with a plate of chips!

Oh, chips and chips
And chips and chips
Oh, heed my tips
And eat your chips.

No acid trips
Or pancake flips
Or sherry sips
Compare to chips.
On land or ships
Oh, get to grips
With potato strips.
They've got no pips.

My heart, it skips,
My memory slips,
My mind, it kips
And dreams of chips.


December 2001

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