"My liege, I smell," the turd proclaimed, "the fetid stench of danger.
Without these walls there stands a foe who to us is no stranger.
Within the castle vaults you store (by sacred royal decree)
The holy dangleberries of King Clag of Bidawee."
"By Jove! You're right!" the king announced, "my faithful stinky one.
It is my brother Farquhar, back to claim what I had won.
With all my strength, these castle walls and everyone within it,
Must fight as one unto the death! We must protect those winnits!"
So the king bent down, pulled up his pants and prepared to go to war.
He summoned all his strongest knights and, even though his arse was sore,
He mounted his big black stallion and grabbed his trusty blade.
"Farquhar is a fiend" cried he, "But I am not afraid!
We'll fight for justice here and now, for all that's good and right!
I'll never lose those dangleberries, I will not lose this fight!"
So they lowered down the drawbridge, and with their heads held high
They charged at Evil Farquhar and raised their battle cry.
Farquhar wobbled on his horse, began to feel quite funny,
"I didn't mean it!" he did sob, "I'm scared! I want my mummy!"
The King's great army stopped, aghast, and watched poor Farquhar's tears,
"The truth is, guys," he sniffed and sobbed, "I haven't fought in years:
An evil wizard captured me and told me to come here,
And try to take your dangleberries - Oh! The dreaded fear!
So please sir, will you let me go? I'm just a lowly peasant!
I'm not a dangerous villain, no! In fact, I'm rather pleasant."
"Ho, ho, my brother, how you jest," the king did roar with laughter.
"You fool me not with your charade. I know just what you're after.
Those precious bits of dried up poo that once hung on Clag's bum beard
Are not the evil Plops Of Doom our dear departed mum feared.
Instead they form a talisman, a sacred, charmed protector.
They keep the kingdom free from piles and income tax inspectors.
But you must vow to flee this land and leave me well alone
If I give you one last chance, at scissors, paper, stone..."
The Clags Of War
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