The Pleasure Of Chemistry
Honest to God, the following notice appeared in my daughter's school monthly newsletter.

The Pleasure Of Chemistry

In honour of Chemistry Week, the Royal Society of Chemists is holding a limerick writing competition. Write a limerick based on an element in the Periodic Table, celebrating the pleasures of that element (rather than, for example, its lethal qualities).

Closing date: 21 Nov 03

Submit limericks to:
Chemistry Week Limerick Competition
Royal Society of Chemistry
Thomas Graham House, Science Park
Milton Road Cambridge CB4 DWF
(prizes are 75 worth of "Pleasure tokens" - your choice of pleasure - CDs, books, chocolate, etc.)

Now, as a poet the thing that struck me about this is - elements! limericks! Bloody hell, how many elements have got a decent rhyme to them? What the hell are they expecting us to write?

"There once was an element called oxygen,
Which, err.... um.... hmmmm...."

Anyway, after I'd settled down a bit I thought, now then, I'm a professional poet and I like a bit of a challenge. Surely I can put my skills to good use here.



There once was an element called Germanium
That messed about with my cranium.
I never quite took to
This semiconductor,
So went off to grow some geraniums


There once was an element called Krypton,
Who's invisible so when I tripped on
This rare inert gas
I felt like a spaz
Who'd ended up going to Skipton


There once was an element called Arsenic
Who travelled to places that are scenic.
When stopped by his wife
He took out his knife,
And over his knee gave her arse a nick

Many thanks to Shitespace reader Marshall for this contribution:
Marshall's Effort

'Twas on the good ship Molybdenum
By god you should have seen `em
The figure head
A whore in lead
The mast a dead man's gadolinium

The Captain's name was Silver
He hadn't got a rhyme
So he stuffed his arse with radium
And now he's in panto at the Palladium

November 2003

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