Fat #1

Fat #1

I wish I could be thin and that I wasn't quite so fat.
I wish I didn't have an arse that flopped around my twat.
I wish my arms were slim and lean, my legs were strong and quick,
That I could climb a flight of stairs and not have to be sick.

I wish my stomach didn't sag beneath the mighty weight.
I wish I could refuse when they begin to fill my plate.
I wish my chin was just ONE chin, my tits were firm and hard,
That I could nibble carrot sticks, not Mars bars fried in lard.

I wish my vulva didn't bulge, my flaps weren't quite so large.
My fanny is so fat that it produces slime like marg.
I wish my sagging, sloppy arse would simply shrink away.
I think I'll start a diet. Yes, I think I'll start today.

I'll throw away the chocolates I have hidden round the house.
I'll get my cheese from out the fridge, donate it to a mouse.
I'll swap my lard for olive oil, my crisps for cracker bread.
I'll chuck my butter in the bin and buy some low-fat spread.

I'll get up off my lazy arse and go out for a run,
And when I'm feeling peckish I will never eat a bun.
I'll throw away the TV set, I'll join the gym instead,
And buy some lycra short things and a sweat band for my head.

I'll live off fruit and vegetables and healthy things like that,
And pretty soon I'll start to see that I'm not quite that fat.
The bits of flesh that sagged and strained will soon be pert and round
As I begin to shed the weight, pound by pound by pound.

And soon I will be really slim, a slinky 8 or 10,
And everyone will stop and stare, especially gorgeous men.
I'll wear blue jeans that hug my buns, and g-strings small and white,
And t-shirts that show off my tits, all see-through, nice and tight.

And people will say "You look nice!". I'll think "Wow, that's great!"
And diet even harder and lose lots and lots more weight.
The thinner I shall get (oh yes), the better I shall feel.
I won't stop 'til I'm half the size of her off Ally McBeal.

I'll only eat one grape a week, I'll puke into a sink.
I'll eat a thousand laxatives and make my bathroom stink.
I'll turn into a skeleton before your very eyes,
But better that than go around with pick-up trucks for thighs!

I'll puke and puke and shit and shit until I'm nearly dead,
My body like a matchstick with a giant, massive head,
My arse a distant memory, my fadge-fat has been shed,
With no more butter dripping out, but slim-fast shake instead.

Yes being fat is really shit, I'd rather be dead thin,
But sadly I just can't be arsed. I'm too embroiled in sin,
So run and get a bag of chips, some sausage, fish and sauce.
I'll sit here on my big fat cunt and chew upon a horse.

And if that wasn't enough... Fat #2

Fat #2

I sat upon my big fat arse,
It wobbled like a jelly,
My chubby knees were hid beneath,
My big fat sagging belly,
My double chin hung round my neck,
My thighs spread on my seat,
And my heaving bosoms, once so firm,
Sat sadly on my feet.

My heart beat fast, I tried to breathe,
But gave a rattling rasp,
The telephone, a foot away,
Was quite beyond my grasp,
A sudden pain shot through my chest,
I crashed down to my knees,
As blackness enveloped my soul,
I shouted "Help me please!"

I woke up in a small white room,
With wiring all around,
A strange machine right by my side,
Made a funny beeping sound,
A nurse was standing by my bed,
She gave a little sigh,
And told me I must lose some weight,
Or I would surely die.

They'd put a staple in my gut,
And filled my jaw with wire,
I wasn't feeling very well,
The hunger was quite dire,
I asked for chicken, chips and beans,
I begged for buns and cake,
Or chocolate biscuits, creme broulais,
Or cream cake, pie or steak.

The nurses shook their heads and said -
"You HAVE to get much thinner,
So no more nasty fatty foods,
Will you have for your dinner."
They brought me lettuce, cabbage soup,
Tomatoes, nuts and bran,
A little tear formed in my eye,
And down my cheek it ran.

They pumped and pounded, bled and poked,
And starved me night and day,
And pound by pound the killer fat,
Began to fall away,
I lost a stone, and then three more,
And then before I knew it,
I was normal weight, the doctors smiled,
"We knew that you could do it!"

For several months they kept me in,
And made me thin and fit,
But deep inside the sadness grew,
I really felt quite shit,
I missed my lard, my chocolate sauce,
My pie and chips and gin,
I didn't care about being fit,
Or healthy, lean or thin.

And with every ounce my body shed,
My heart grew sadder still,
To munch on lettuce night and day,
Was not a massive thrill,
I gained no joy from looking nice,
Fulfillment I did lack,
All I wanted was to eat,
To grow my fatness back.

Until of course the day arrived,
When I was to be discharged,
They warned me of the perils,
Of becoming re-enlarged,
But the staples in my belly and,
The wire upon my jaw,
Would keep me from my food, they said,
Now and forever more.

I sadly left the hospital,
And jogged along the street,
My healthy lungs inhaled the air,
My heart made tuneful beat,
The men walked by and turned to stare,
My body looked so great,
But I just cried and looked away,
Remembering things I ate.

I walked across a busy road,
My thoughts on scones and cake,
When round the corner came a car,
It had no time to break,
It hit me, threw me through the air,
I landed on my head,
And before the doctors could arrive,
I was completely dead.

I wish I'd spent my final days,
Just eating lots of dinner,
But the bastard doctors saved my life,
By making me loads thinner,
And now I'm fucking dead, the cunts,
Knocked over in my prime,
There wasn't any fucking point,
Oh shit...
If I'm dead I can't finish this rhyme.


February 2002

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