"Murder At Ffelchingham Manor"
SCENE - EXTERIOR
INSPECTOR CAVERTY APPROACHES THE FRONT DOOR
OF FFELCHINGHAM MANOR. HE RINGS THE BELL.
AS HE WAITS FOR AN ANSWER HE ADDRESSES THE
The jealous husband who strangles his wife
The business partner struck with a knife.
A poisoned decanter, a conspiratous pact,
A smouldering gun, another foul act
An innocent death, was he struck by a girder?
When I'm on the case, bet your ass that it's murder.
They all see their chances in murderous depravity
But none shall escape from Inspector Caverty
GISHAM ANSWERS THE DOOR. HIS HANDS ARE STILL COVERED
IN LADY FFELCHINGHAM'S BLOOD.
Gisham: Good evening...
Caverty: Inspector Caverty [displays obligatory card]
I wonder if you could help me. I'm looking for a murder.
Gisham: A murder?
Caverty: Yes, I was just passing and I saw this house
and thought this is a prime site for a murder. Got any?
Gisham: Er, no, no, not today, Inspector. Try the
Frottage-Burns's half a mile up the road. They had six
murders at a dinner party last week. Maybe one of those
hasn't been solved yet.
Caverty: Just come from there. Sorted it all out. It
was the butler all the time, would you believe? Now if
you'll lead me to the scene of the crime. I have a nose
for these things, and I smell a murder. I shall not leave
until I have solved it.
Gisham: Very good, sir. [allows Caverty to enter]
[Casually] By the way, I liked the poem.
Caverty: Thank you.
Gisham: Did you catch mine at the start of the play?
Caverty: No, I'm sorry, I was in the bar for the first
act. This is my first major West Ender. Got a touch
of the butterflies.
Gisham: A shame really. I did it in the style of Sir
John Gielgud. Masterful, it was, masterful.
Do you have a large part?
Caverty: My agent told me this production wouldn't resort to
Gisham: Mine too, but old habits die hard. We even did
the squeezing salmon mousse through the cook's gusset
gag. It was stunning.
GISHAM LEADS THE INSPECTOR INTO THE LOUNGE.
SCENE - THE LOUNGE
Caverty: if there hasn't been a murder here why is Lord
Ffelchingham lying on the floor with a dagger in his back?
Gisham: Oh is he? i hadnt noticed.
Caverty: Is he just playing dead? and why Gisham are you
covered in blood?
Gisham: thats Lady Ffelchingham's blood!
Caverty: you have butchered them both?
AT THIS POINT TWO UNIFORMED OFFICERS APPEAR ON THE SCENE
AND HANDCUFF GRISHAM
Gisham: Lady Ffelchingham's not dead she just fell on my
Caverty: A likely story, take him away lads
Gisham: [pleading] I haven't done anything.
Caverty: Oh shut the fuck up, it's always the fucking butler.
I don't know why people bother with them anymore.
ENTER COUNT LUDWIG VON BOTTOM
(DRESSED IN BLACK CAPE AND HAT)
Count: [to audience] Zis is vonderful! All of my dastardly
evil planz are comink into effect! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha.
I have planned it to look like zat poor fool Gisham
takes ze fall for zees murders.
Count: [to Caverty] Why hello orifcer! Vhat ar you doink
vith ze butler Gisham?
Caverty: We're taking the villianous cad off to prison for
the crime of murder most foul!
Count: Indeed zat iz terrible indeed. And OH MY GOSH! VHAT
IZ ZAT ZING OVER ZERE??? [points behind Caverty. Everyone
including body get up to look. In this time the Count
throws another body that is riddled with bullet holes on
the floor in front of Gisham and places a gun in Gisham's
hand. Everyone turns around.]
Everyone together: GASP! ANOTHER BODY!!!!!!
Count: OH! Gisham, my noble butler! How could you have killed
another perzon? I am so very upset by your wickedness!
Oh fret! Oh woe!
(to be continued)
Unfinished Shite Murder At Ffelchingham Manor Act 1