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The Gospel According To Kate

Chapter 1

i   On the night before Christmas a long time ago,
In a land where the sun shone too brightly to snow,
Where desert dunes loomed over big bearded jews,
With poor sanitation and no proper loos,

ii   The men wearing loin cloths to cover their bits,
And brown toothless women had big saggy tits,
A cute little donkey was wending its way
Throughout rancid streets and in search of some hay.

iii   On top of the mule was a lady called Mary,
Her teeth were all rotten, her face it was hairy,
Her breasts had quite sagged til they reached to the floor,
She looked like a crack-addled, second rate whore.

iv   Walking beside her was Joseph, her man,
His chest was all skinny, his complexion was wan,
He shuddered and grimaced and prayed for his life,
So frightened was he of his moose of a wife.

v   Inside Mary's stomach, young Jesus was laid,
It was time to come out but he was too afraid,
He knew when he did his life would be the pits,
Being forced to suck milk from those great hairy tits.

vi   They came to a stable where cattle hung out,
Where Mary dismounted and gave a great shout,
"Oh fuck me it's coming! It tears at my hymen!
It feels like that time I had sex with Bill Wyman!"

vii   And out Jesus slithered and fell with a plop,
Upon a black floor quite untouched by a mop,
Right into some cow dung that lay there and stank,
He was covered in shit and my God it was rank.

viii   "Jesus!" said Mary, her hand to her nose,
"Christ!" added Joseph, and thus name was chose.
But it wasn't the smell that had made Joseph curse
No, it was something far scarier, something far worse.

ix   Joseph's great nose was as large as a tree,
And his skin was quite brown, he was Jewish you see,
But Jesus's nose was quite small and upright,
And apart from the cow shit his skin was bright white.

x   His hair was white blond and his eyes they were blue,
He really did not look a bit like a Jew,
Mary looked shifty, her face was quite odd,
She thought for a moment - "Er, He's the Son of God!"

xi   "Er, an angel came down and, er, said my reward
Was to get up the duff with the son of the Lord,
So he's GOD's son, you see, and has nothing to do,
With the bloke from the butcher's who isn't a Jew! "

xii   Joseph suspected, but fear drew him back,
"Oh well," he relented, "He could have been black,
And I know I can't dump you, you'd kill me for sure, "
So he stroked Jesus' head, and removed the manure.

BibleThe Bible

Kate - July 2001

The Gospel According To Kate
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