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The Gospel According To Kate

Chapter 5

i   King Herod came over to Israel each year,
To shag lots of women and drink lots of beer,
And float in the Dead Sea and eat kosher food,
And chat up the ladies in an attempt to be rude.

ii   Now Herod was richer than Yazz or Cole Porter,
He always bought bottles of mineral water,
He was quite a decadent kind of a chap,
And he never drank water from out of a tap.

iii   Soon his suspicions had started to rise,
That something was up with the water supplies.
The people of Israel were acting like twits,
It was clear to the King they were all off their tits.

iv   And who was this man who pertained to be Christ?
Who had all the people around him enticed?
This man in brown sandals, this big hippy sod?
And could it be true he's related to God?

v   King Herod was nosy, in spite of his wealth,
So he went to find Jesus, to see for himself,
He soon found him preaching upon a large hill,
While thousands of fuckheads around him did mill.

vi   I'll now heal a leper! The charlatan cried,
Can one please come forward? Come on now, don't hide!
A thousand poor men raised their hands in despair,
Which then promptly dislodged and flew off though the air.

vii   So Jesus picked one woman out of the crowd,
Your salvation, dear woman, our Lord has allowed!
I shall cure you of leprosy; cleanse you of sin.
Now just stand over there please, you won't feel a thing.

viii   King Herod was stood on his own at the back,
But he saw that diseases this woman did lack,
"In the name of the ketchup, the salt and the pepper!
Can none of you see that she isn't a leper?

ix   "This woman is healthy! She's not frail or shaky!
Her skin is quite clear, neither scabby nor flaky!
You people are mad, you're as mad as can be!
And your pupils are huge, you're all out of your tree!

x   "My God you're on drugs! Cried the King in disgust,
You're all off your faces! Oh stop this! You must!"
The people stood staring and occasionally giggled,
It was clear that their blood streams with drugs were quite riddled.

xi   "Who could have done this? This terrible thing?
This thing quite unspeakable?" asked the cross King.
He looked straight at Jesus, who looked at his feet,
"Just as I thought! Right, that's it! You're dead meat!"

BibleThe Bible

Kate - July 2001

The Gospel According To Kate
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