(February 1994)

Examination for the Diploma of
Still Being Allowed To Borrow Mike's Clothes


Paper 1 : Theory

Time allowed: 3½ weeks

Attempt all questions.

Question 1

What well known household product is regularly advertised by Nanette Newman?

Question 2

What famous Scottish comedy actor is featured on the Persil Liquid adverts?

Question 3

What is the Recommended Retail Price of a 500ml bottle of Sqezy Lemon Fresh Washing Up Liquid?

Question 4

In his précis on contempory attitudes toward post-modernist domestic cleansing activities Dr. Lucas Fenchurch described washing up as . . .

  1. a fertility dance performed by the Mbani tribe of Southern Bechuanaland;
  2. the business of leaving dirty pans, plates and cutlery strewn about the house,
  3. a means of cluttering up the sink so that nobody else can use it,
  4. the process of washing kitchen utensils, drying them and putting them away afterwards,
  5. Mike's job.

Question 5

Who was the first Briton to win the 500 plate washing up final of the 1991 World Amateur Domestic Games Championship in Brisbane?
[Hint: It wasn't Heather Seekin.]

Question 6

What word most appropriately describes the noise made by squeezing a recently emptied washing up liquid bottle?

  1. Speeeft,
  2. Shplurt,
  3. Ping!,
  4. The "Neighbours" theme tune,
  5. Don't know, I've never heard it before.

Question 7

On completing washing up, what is the most recommended means of finishing the job?

  1. Go down the pub,
  2. Watch telly,
  3. Pour the dirty water away, rinse the bowl and wipe down all wet or dirty surfaces,
  4. Go down the pub again,
  5. Don't know, never got that far before .

Question 8

Write a brief essay (approx. 2000 words) on the benefits of doing washing up regularly. Include in your essay some of the consequences of not washing up. You may like to include actions that other members of your household may take against you in such a situation.

Question 9

What measures do you think could be taken to dispel the popular myths that regular washing up can cause scrofula, cystitis and gonorrhoea?

Question 10

You are walking down a street when you spot a man on a high window ledge threatening to throw himself off unless someone does his washing up. Do you . . .

  1. Do his washing up,
  2. Try to reason with him and attempt to teach him the benefits of doing his own washing up,
  3. Ignore him and walk away,
  4. Tell him to jump - anything's better than doing the washing up,
  5. Get Mike to do it.

Question 11

A particular member of your household has some rather unusual cutlery which you frequently borrow but would rather not wash up. Do you . . .

  1. Grit your teeth, think of England and wash it up anyway,
  2. Leave it lying around for someone else to do,
  3. Hide it,
  4. Lose it,
  5. Burn it.

Question 12

The term dish cloth is most usually used to describe . . .

  1. A cloth that's shaped like a dish,
  2. A dish that's shaped like a cloth,
  3. A rare species of marsupial found only in remote regions of Tasmania,
  4. An archaic onomatopoeic term for a sneeze,
  5. An essential implement in the process of doing the washing up!

CRAPParochial Plops
Paper 1: Theory Paper 2: Practical
Heather's Exam

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