Momp Momp Cark

Volume 1


A gaseous malodorous
Stinking savage fart
Was all that I could manage
When I spread my cheeks apart.

It wasn't brown or sloppy,
It wasn't thick or long.
Surreptitiously invisible,
But it didn't half pong.

I attempted urination;
I squeezed 'til I was sore.
But I couldn't coax my bladder,
I just parped foul gusts some more.

The queue outside the bathroom
Was quickly getting longer.
But I was fucked if I was leaving
'Til I'd dropped a log-like ponger.

I clenched my buttocks firmly
And pushed with all my might.
I growled and moaned and grunted,
But still I couldn't shite.

An hour passed - I gave up.
I didn't stand a chance.
I sadly left the bathroom
Where I promptly shat my pants.

The Lub-Lub

The Lub-Lub fosted on a twink
With wosting facets slithing nigh.
His churling hibs were ponting winth,
The grimble-grumble warthing by.

A chumple tree with laundered brags
That wingle-drimpled with soaken weaves,
The Lub-Lub did negate his snags
Among the gorpin's slinking tweeves.

And who did winth with dreggy polls,
That lithe beneathe the crail,
The Lub-Lub when the cassit folls,
And splinters torten pale?

Now winch a while with warten wisps,
And pert a slinken chunk,
The Lub-Lub dunks his curping chisk
And windles whence his dunk.

So twomble on with flompet nog,
And timble forth with shimp,
The croaky wint by fiery trog
Trilks wembling while she dimps.

A bilking shomp was crinkle dust,
It weaved its womp with woe.
The Lub-Lub sidled tubular tust,
And bawled a bleeting blow.



The arse went parp
And turned yellow
And shat strawberries
And was mellow.

The Big Red Bus

The Big Red Bus

The big red bus comes
Over the hill;
It tramples the artichokes
Late for work.

The clock strikes nine,
And the man with the marrow
Is passing the time.

"Tring, Tring, Tring," shouts the ironmonger,
Merging his iron with the sun.
Another train goes racing by;
The oranges passenge alone.

And hark at the lark;
Its song is so serene.
The woman in the window box
Has the friendliest coral that you've ever seen.

And now the bus has passed us by,
So drink thy cider
And finish thy pie.

The Insect Ball

The Insect Ball

The antelope came scuttling
Over Termite's Lair,
With a jar of daddy long legs'
In his auburn curly hair.
The moon it was a-glowing,
The rain began to fall,
The termites they were dancing
For it was the Insect Ball.

One by one, on spidery legs,
The daddies jumped their jar,
And went to join the termites
In the long queue at the bar.
The earwigs were in yellow,
The centipedes in green.
The antelope just turned his head
To pretend he hadn't seen.

The clock then struck eleven,
A song began to play.
The insects chose their partners,
And they danced the night away.

The Stupid Rabbit

The Stupid Rabbit

The baby bunny flapped his ears
And ran along the grass.
He flapped so hard it wore him out,
But he could not fly, alas!

He looked up at the big sky
At feathered flying things,
And wished his ears would disappear
And the stumps would sprout some wings.
He went to see Professor Hoot
Who lived beside the creek,
And told him all his troubles.
The owl began to speak:

"Yer stupid twatty bugger,
What the fuck d'yer think yer on?
Yer go round flappin' like a bird?
Yer great big spazzy mong.
Now get yerself together,
Yer mad as fuck, yer are.
Just remember you're a rabbit -
Now fuck off, I'm having me tea."

And so poor bunny gave up,
And sighed a little sigh.
He knew his ears were there to stay,
He knew he'd never fly.

So the rabbit went off sadly,
A tear ran through his fur.
"So, I'll never be a bird," he sniffed.
And then his head fell off.

The moral of this story
Is just be glad you're you!
And if you're not, you might just find
Your head will fall off too.

And get flushed down the loo

Like a big hairy poo

Boo hoo.

Dog Muck

The headmaster fumbled drum stools,
The rain was falling down.
The heavy season called a vote
And no one could be arsed.
So all the parties galloped.
The hills were dawning still,
And the vegetables were prosperous
And neither was the hoover.
Dominic was organic;
He lived within his means.
"Spacemen have hovered
In these parts," he explained.
"Lions don't need bedtime!
No one lights my face,
And outside its a big one,
You look as if it's not."
So gazing through the pomegranate,
Rainbows did ensue,
And the little bitty cranberry
Went merrily on its way.
Polly didn't notice
And the lion didn't care,
"Goodbye everyone!
We're going to fly to Venus
On a magic fish."

August 1994 - February 1995

Momp Momp Cark
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