Just To Piss You Off

A furry grey bear with a cute squashy head,
Slid quite unexpectedly into my bed,
And clung to my thigh with the strength of an ox,
And nibbled my knees and made holes in my socks.
It told me its name was Amanda.
It wasn't a panda.

It wasn't a grizzly, it wasn't a koala,
It ran through my kitchen and into my parlour,
It ran round my bathroom and knocked off a towel,
And when I got angry it gave a big growl.
It told me its name was Amanda
It wasn't a panda.

I must admit I did not know what to do,
Had it escaped from a park or a zoo?
Or snook on a plane from the US of A?
Or come on a boat from a land far away?
It told me its name was Amanda
But it WASN'T a panda.

It ate all my biscuits and drank all my tea,
It chewed up my pillows - it terrorised me!
It *looked* cute, oh yes, but it wasn't - at least,
It looked friendly enough but it was a savage beast.
It told me its name was Amanda
But it wasn't a panda.

Sooner or later I knew it must go,
But it didn't seem keen when I told it so,
Its riddance for good I began to conive,
I would not have it stay here and eat me alive.
It told me its name was Amanda.
That's no name for a panda.

I thought and I thought 'til my brain was quite sore,
The bear had to go and of this I was sure,
I'd tried to persuade it, to coax it... I pleaded!
I feared a more violent approach might be needed.
It told me its name was Amanda.
It wasn't a panda.

I picked up a gun and begun to take aim,
I shouted "Amanda! If that it your name...
Get out of my house! You can use the veranda!
I don't care if you are or you are not a panda!
I don't care if you're rich and you drive a big Roller,
Your coat is not white! You can NOT be a polar!
Your coat is quite grey like Nadia Sawahla,
But you don't look that much like a koala..."

The bear took advantage of my guard being down,
And leapt through the air with a mighty big bound,
And ate me up with a bite that was nasty,
With the speed I could eat a medium sized Cornish pasty.
It told me its name was Amanda.
It wasn't a panda.

From the inside I took my trusty knife,
And dug it right in for the good of my life,
The bear dropped down dead but I could not escape!
Its mouth had been sealed by the vet's Sellotape.

So now I am trapped in the corpse of a bear,
It isn't so bad, but there isn't much air,
And people in shops tend to nudge, wink and stare,
But I don't care -
I just tell them my name is Amanda.
And that I'm not a panda.

Ballet Sheep

Ballet Sheep

Upon a sun-kissed field of green,
Beneath a sky of fairest grey,
A flock of sheep, so quick and keen,
Did nimbly prance both night and day.

Such grace had ne'er before been seen,
Amongst a race so white and woolly,
The sheep did dance like love's young dream,
Around the sun-lit leafy gully.

No clumsy hooves bestowed their feet,
But ballet slippers, silk and sweet,
And round the back, instead of sheep dung,
Floaty pink silk tutus hung.

Across the fields the sheep did prance,
Engrossed most fully in their dance,
Across the hills and rivulets,
The flock rehearsed its pirouettes.

One day a dandy travelled through,
Bedecked in pink, from hat to shoe,
A limpèd wrist hung by his side,
As he wriggled his firm tush with pride.

He happened on the field by chance,
And stood and watched the flock's strange dance,
Then quickly he was on his way,
To ring his friend at the Royal Ballet.

His friend (who also liked to feel
A strong man's spoke thrust in his wheel)
Arrived at once and watched with glee,
The sheep cavorted earnestly.

'I'd like you all to come with me!'
He said, 'And join my company!'
So off they went, oh what a sight!
A flock of ballet sheep? What shite!
Ballet sheep? What have I taken?
No. That can't be right. I must be mistaken.
I knew I shouldn't have eaten
That cake.


Once upon a time upon a river in a boat
There lived a little hamster who was married to a stoat
Whose sister was a chaffinch and her daughter was a nun
And they all lived in the river boat and dined upon a bun.

The bun was filled with currants with a cherry on the top
They ate it up with relish and then washed it down with pop
The nun ate hers with reverence, the stoat ate his with greed
And the chaffinch got all wet because the hamster had just pee'd.

The piss just kept on coming, it was filling up the boat
It soaked the nun and chaffinch, and the hamster and the stoat.
The bun was soon inedible, they had to throw it out
"Oh what a nasty hamster!" The stoat began to shout.

The sea was getting choppy and the boat began to sink
They all began to panic, then they all began to think
'Oh bugger it,' they said as the boat was going under,
'We're a stupid idea for a poem anyway. What's that?' It was thunder.

The thunder and the lightning came and made the boat sink quick
And everyone was happy 'cos this poem was making them sick.
It was stupid to begin with and now it's even worse.
But just to piss you off I think I'll do another verse.

Suddenly the sun came up, the boat bobbed up once more.
'Ahoy there!' cried the hamster, 'I can see the shore!'
And so they all escaped and they are happy to this day.
Yes alright. I heard you. I'll shut up and go away.

January 2001

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