Look At Me I'm Wonderful
Look at me, I'm wonderful,
How fabulous I am.
I can drink a milkshake,
I can eat some Spam.
I can jump a million miles
And land upon my feet.
I can run for president
Or dictator of Crete.
Yesterday I taught a fridge
To yodel in Malay.
Tomorrow I shall catch a squid
The size of Whitley Bay.
And anyone who tells me
That I cannot do these things
Will find they're plagued by locusts
With pointy teeth and wings.
Look at me, I'm beautiful,
I'm such a handsome fellow.
I'm so good looking I'd look great
Even dressed in yellow.
I could charm a nightingale
To fall out of a tree,
I could sell my farts in jars
For over 50p.
See me as I stroll along
The high street of your town.
Watch the women-folk prostrate
Themselves upon the ground.
It's me they want, it's me they want,
It's me they want to date.
It's true it is, it really is,
Just look at me - I'm great!
A Postcard From Cairo
As I write this poem in biro
Sitting by a pool in Cairo,
Everything is warm and sunny
And our stools have not gone runny.
There's lots of stuff to make us smile
Like walking up and down the Nile
And taking camel rides amidst
Great big pointy pyramids.
What Katy Does
Where does Kate address her geese?
In the gardens of Belize.
Attentively they stand for yonks
Then when she's done respond with honks.
Where does Kate put on her coat?
Behind the wise old nanny goat
Who checks to see the tail's not creased
And only then is Kate well pleased.
How does Kate control her fridge?
It's always wandering on the ridge.
I think she feeds it lime and gin;
It's always got a joyful grin.
Why does Kate eat cottage cheese?
It stops her foaming at the knees,
It keeps her armpit hair in place
And stops it wandering 'cross her face.
What does Kate do when she's bored?
She dresses up as Anna Ford.
Before her cat she reads the news
And then next day it all comes true.
A Postcard From Paris
Pointy granite obelisk piercing the sky
Pointy iron tower ever so high
Pointy glass pyramids - oh how they gleam
Think I might be detecting a bit of a theme.
Tous les jours je mange du fromage et des croissants,
But frogs' legs and snails I shall have to pass on.
Paris, oh Paris, it's not very far,
Hurrah and hussar for the Eurostar!
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