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Shiterati: Andy ("The Hat")


I like spring.
I once had a fling
With a sweet young thing
In the spring.

But she buggered off, the cow.
So summer
Was a bit of a bummer.


I like to do my washing
On a Sunday afternoon,
Whilst flicking natural yoghurt
At the ceiling with a spoon.
I sometimes watch EastEnders
Or stroll up to the green.
But my favourite Sunday pastime
Is to egg the T.V. screen.


Stevie Nicks

Stevie Nicks

Stevie Nicks an apple;
Johnny Rotten eggs.
Henry Tudor piece of gum;
Dolly Parton legs.

Val Doonican.



Socks of blue and socks of grey
Keep my feet warm through the day;
Socks of lots of different hues
Keep me comfy in my shoes.

Socks with darns and socks with holes
Help to cushion both my soles;
And even socks with nasty pongs
Deserve to feature in happy songs.

Smile to be a happy foot.


Only a nutter
Would drink lager and butter.
Any normal person would use lard.

Things I Don't Like, Plus A Couple I Do

Things I Don't Like, Plus A Couple I Do

Fillets with bones,
Interest on loans,
Raised tones,
Mobile phones,

Travelcard zones,
Inordinate moans,
Traffic cones,
Stepping stones,

All The Nice Girls

All The Nice Girls

Andy Davie
Joined the navy
For the white uniform.
Then in the Pacific
He met a specific
Young maiden who gave him the horn.

Upon her he showered
Chocolates and flowers
And then asked her out on a date,
But this Polynesian
Was not such an easy 'un,
She went off and had the First Mate.

He met in Tahiti
A girl who was pretty
With hair that was wavy and sable.
Admiring her coconuts
He wanted to poke her but
Lost her to the Captain's table.

And then in the Galapogas
He had a mishap because
His ship became stuck on the rocks.
But the natives just stared
Because nobody cared
Even to darn his old socks.

He went to Hawaii
And said "How are ye?"
'Cos he can't resist an old joke.
But the girl in the hula
Was quite a big fooler
Because she was really a bloke.

So if you're feeling randy
Don't try following Andy
You're best off just going down the pub.
There you'll get boozy
And pick up a floosy
It's better than pulling your pud.

Mike says:
I've no idea why I wrote this poem. Andy has never shown the slightest interest in joining the navy. I guess I just felt a bit rhymey that day.
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1995 - 1998

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