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Self Fulfilling Prophecy

Self Fulfilling Prophecy
Shim & Julie

Some day
We're going to write
A poem
That's shite.

Francois Mitterand

François Mitterand
Have you left the heater on?

I Love You

I Love You

I love you
I love you
I love you
I do.

I love you
You look like
A shoe.

There is an ironic twist to this piece in that the author did not in fact love the person to whom the poem is written. Furthermore, he did not look like a shoe!

Shim & Kate

Shimon Yung
was well hung
according to one shiksa.

But evidence
found in the gents
did seem to contradict her.

It isn't true! It isn't true!
There are elephants
Who are smaller than you!
They have more skin there,
this is true,
But only because
They're not Jews.

Ode To Kate

I think I'd like hot sex with you
But then I remember I'm a Jew
And Rabbis tell me what to do.

Gorgeous darling horny Kate
I think of you and masturbate.
But then I recall a hellish fate,
But by this point it's far too late.

(Basically, I've got the horn that's chuffing
And want to give you a good stuffing
But then all that religious guffing
Would all have been for nuffing)


Let's swear
At Claire.
It's why she's there.

Fast Poem

Fasty, nasty, fasty fast
For how long are you to last?
I do hope that I can make it
And eat a potato (when I bake it).

If I Hadn't Met Mike

If I hadn't met Mike
What would my life
be like?

If I hadn't met you
Would I now be
a better Jew?

If I hadn't met thee
I might have got
my Ph.D.

But if I hadn't met Mickey
I'd not have shagged Niky.

Happy Ending

There was a young man called Mike
Who fell in love with a dyke.
He went for a snog,
She went for the bog,
In the end he married a pike.

Ode On Shim's Birthday

If you think your life is grim
Just thank God that you're not Shim.
Imagine what it must be like
To live like this poor wretched Kike.
How on God's earth can you wish
To live a life that's so Jewish?
To wear that funny little cap
Must be really really crap.
And being banned from having a shag
Has got to be a total drag.
And never to have a taste of bacon
Surely is just so heartbreaking.
And fancy doing all that praying!
Pretty girls you should be laying.
And if you want to pull your pud
God says that you're not being good.

If your life's a pile of poo
Well, Shim has got it worse than you.
His life is full of nasty things.
He can't get stoned in parks on swings;
He can't go out on Friday night;
He cannot set his farts alight;
He can't discharge a single sperm
'Cos then he's really gonna burn.
He has to go to synagogues
And wear the most appalling togs.
He has to go to Israel
And be all dull and miserable.
He has to go to heaven where
His friends aren't going to make it there.
Eternity he'll spend with God
But who is going to blow his rod?

So all you goys
Go like Kenwood mixers!
For gentiles life is good - be glad!
But for Shim, I'm afraid, it's all really bad.

"No, no, you don't understand, it's ALL really bad."*

*To find out just how bad it all really is visit

If you want to tell Shim that it's even worse
than he possibly imagined you can email him at:

Shim's Lament

Kate got engaged, I didn't care.
Mike married, I wasn't there.
Lee dumped me.
I s'pose fair's fair.

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