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Shiterati: Pooclub Poetry - Vol 2
Valentine's Day

Hurrah! Today's a day of love!
Of cherubs singing up above,
Of floaty, silky angel wings,
And hearts and flowers, and girly things.
Of cards and roses, smelling sweet,
Of chocolate hearts that we can eat,
Of stolen kisses, blushing cheeks,
I wish it could go on for weeks.

How great it is to be in love,
Have someone fit you like a glove,
A partner with whom you can live,
Your heart to them you gladly give.
To wake each morning with the cock,
Before the ringing of the clock,
And kiss your sweetheart while they sleep,
Their heart you know you'd gladly keep.

How wonderful this lovely day,
I feel so happy, glad and gay,
I've read my cards, of which there's many,
From Lenny, Renee, Ben and Kenny.
The postman's back is bent and bowed,
From hefting such a dreadful load,
His hands are shaking from the shock,
Of pushing goodies through my box.

I'm going to go now, lots to do,
Loads more cards to rifle through,
Might be finished by next week,
If I only take a peek,
So guys, come on then, tell me do -
How many cards were sent to you?
I hope that you all received mine.

Bouncing Baby Boys

Get a pair of pantyhose
Not stockings, no, but tights
A baby in each leg of those
And bounce from left to right

Bounce them down between your legs
Over arm and under shoulder
Bounce them til they crack like eggs
And they're sure to get no older.

Princess Margaret

Goodbye princess Maggie
You were a wondrous lush
Your sister is a boring cow
And your mother's mind is mush

Your the second princess to pop her clogs
The royal women seem to falter
Will your mum make it through the funeral
Or drop dead at the alter?


Once I awoke, all a-choke
and knew I was in trouble
At half-past four, I ran to the door
as my arse began to bubble

Quick to the throne, and quite alone
my hole began it's heaving
My rear it strained, expression pained
the signals were deceiving

A grunt, a hiss, a smell of piss
the bomb bays opened quick
my face was blue, the torrent flew,
and splashed my balls and dick

The smell; it stank, the air was rank
my stomach reeled at the pong
With arse on loo, I knew, I knew
It was all going wrong

I eyed the basin, my mind was racin'
Could I reach? I think ...
I stretched and stretched, and then I retched,
and threw up in the sink


Hatstand, thumbtack, mustard, foot
Eggplant cheese string, cowslip soot
Earwax blackbean woggles, scone
Wigwam marmite Women's Own

Wish wash garbage verbal shit
How my life is full of it
Snap warble hubcap lamp
Belgium arse niggle stamp

Drivel juicy bagel bott
Bag of spanners, baby snot
Moggy hair muesli oh my god!
Sense is lost, custard, ken dodd

Four lined poem only hope
Basketweaver telescope
Spoke too soon
Silly me
Ash lime amputee

On being a student...
No. 49

Our lounge had half a motorbike
on newspaper on the floor
There was a guy living under our stairs
he was there for a month or more

And a Smiths fan called Alan
studying to be an architect
built a tomb for himself out of beer cans
in the garden one night while wrecked

There were hotknives in the kitchen
and never a scrap of food to be seen
strangers all over the house
new life forms destroyed, if ever the cooker was cleaned

Beer more urgent than heating.
the bath full of cold Diamond White
The house was a shithole
but it was a party every night.

Walking Alone

I walked alone on the path today
Finding random people that liked to pay
For sexual acts and elephants - grey;
But sadly, I only found two.

One was the (now old) Miss Mary Mack
(The one with the buttons all down her back).
She'd fallen off her elephant with a terrible whack;
And now lies sideways to go to the loo.

The other was a small man named Bill
Who had punted a whore on the hill.
He assumed she'd have taken the Pill;
And now has a kid with no one to sue.

The lesson I learned as I walked alone
Was not to avoid sitting on a cone...
But rather to leave sexy elephants alone;
For you never do know what you're getting.

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