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Shiterati: Pooclub Poetry - Vol 3
What If Snot Was God

What if Snot was God?
I think 'he' is an 'it' -
For when you pray to God
All you get is shit.

Snot is so much thicker
Than old God seems to be.
And when you thin snot's thickness
It kinda sounds like pee.

Perhaps Snot is God really,
It controls our days so much;
Instead of being out with friends
All you get is Booger Lunch.

And if Snot is God
It isn't hard to see
That it's been God forever
Living inside of me.

We spread Snot's Word by sneezing,
It's glory oozes out.
And if you ignore Snot's calling
"BOOGER HEAD", people will shout.

That last line wasn't worth a lick
But I really hope you know
That I think Snot is worth a pick
And through Snot, boogers grow!

Cheesy Cock

I've been so very worried
Someone help me please
Despite my hygiene efforts
My nob still smells of cheese

I scrub it three times daily
Morning, noon and night
I go underneath the foreskin
But I can't remove the shite

My life has gone to pot
My dick once used to glisten
I've been to see my doctor
But he didn't want to listen

I've read those penis books
By that Teletext agony uncle
But my member still does whiff
Of a 10-year old carbuncle

I think there's not much hope
But to give the thing the chop
It's not like I ever use it much
It's never been much cop

But you never know when it
Might one day come in handy
And one woman's cheese
Could be another woman's candy.

Where Have My Balls Gone?

I felt that there was something wrong
In the vicinity of my dong
And tentative to take a look
I trembled, shivered and ... oooh fuck

I could but gag, and gape and gawk
I had been robbed! Where is my stalk?
There will be awful trouble pissing
Cause my fucking knob is missing

And my jewels, my precious gems have skipped
Perhaps some sadist bastard snipped
And then relief, I got the joke
I'm a woman, not a bloke

(getting in touch with my feminine side)

The Fate Of What I Ate

Hurry, hurry,
Curry, slurry,
In the loo,


a bush is a shrub
can you rub my shrub
shrug my shrub
brush my bush
rush my bush

Thanks you very mush.

Simple Simon

Simple Simon met a hymen,
A really sad affair.
Said simple Simon to the hymen
I'll not put mine in there

A Boy's First Wank

What is this strange white liquid
That squirts out from my cock?
It spews out like a volcano
Expelling hot molten rock

I'm not sure it's relevant
But my willy did expand
Not two minutes before now
When I shook it in my hand

I've never known it to do this
It's never happened before
I've been playing with it lately
And perhaps that's why it's sore

So many unanswered questions
I'll ask my friends at school
I hope they'll say it's happened to them
That it's actually quite cool

It didn't hurt when it occurred
I guess it felt quite nice
So I guess it won't be as bad
As when I had head lice

I want to speak to a grown-up
I'd normally ask my mum
But when I talk about my willy
She says it's ruder than my bum

I think therefore I should experiment
And knock it around again
It's probably just one of those things
That's supposed to happen to men

I Miss Leeds

I Miss Leeds

I miss walking through the park
And staring at some girl.
I miss the Royal Park Hotel
And drinking 'til I hurl.

Just bumping into Pissed Fat Dave,
On Hyde Park Road or street,
And hearing of some stupid scheme,
Would make my day complete.

The lovely lads who walk round town,
They're shaved heads proud aloft,
They'll spare some time to speak to you,
And smack you cos yer soft.

Leeds girls with their high heels on
And strappy dresses all.
They say 'you wot?', if you mention art,
But shag you in the hall.

The students boys around Hyde Park
Brought life and love and smiles,
Those nice young boys so made me grin,
Though gave me painful piles.

The student girls I do recall,
They laughed at all my jokes,
And being young did not complain,
When I shot off in 3 strokes.

In Leeds, the weather's cold and grim,
And rain falls by the bucket,
But London's sweaty, damp and warm,
This is the end, oh fuck it.

Woodhouse Hippies

What happened to Kirk?
He was really a jerk.
What happened to Chris?
Him I always did dismiss.
And Chrissy and Paul?
Live by Woodhouse Ridge wall.
And was Tanya mad?
Naw, just a little bit sad.
And what about Tim?
With all his posh kid's young whims.
And Angela too?
Many wanted to screw.
There was that kid called Jamie,
He never did pay me.
But now my life is much better,
Not wearing a torn baggy rainbow sweater.

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