Up The Spout
It's Bollocks Being Pregnant

It's Bollocks Being Pregnant

It's bollocks being pregnant
I don't care what they say
It isn't 'sweet' or 'natural',
Not in any way.
You can't stand up for back ache
You can't sit down for piles
A journey to the corner shop
Feels like you've jogged for miles.

It's rubbish being pregnant
It's nothing but a bore
Your tits feel more like boulders
With nipples that are sore,
You walk just like a hippo
When you are up the spout,
Oh how I wish the bastard thing
Would hurry up and slither out.

Not Being Able To See My Cunt

Not Being Able To See My Cunt

Being pregnant's such a bind,
The piles give you a sore behind,
My sagging tits are hanging low
(They're still nice though).

But one thing that I do abhore
I just can't see my cunt no more
Is it there beneath my tummy?
Or does this tuna just smell funny?

What IS that potent fishy smell?
Perhaps it's haddock, I can't tell,
I'm sticking out too far in front,
Oh bugger me. It's my cunt!

And now, alas, my heart is tore!
I cannot see my cunt no more
Is it there or has it flown?
Perhaps it's grown.

It could be red with yellow dots
It could be pink with purple spots
There really is no way to tell
But it doesn't half smell.



I like eating lettuce
It's by far my favourite food
I tried to eat tomatoes
But they didn't taste as good
I chewed a tasty serloin
It just didn't hit the spot
Oh I like eating lettuce
Yes I like it quite a lot.

There's something in the flavour
Of a tasty lettuce leaf
That lovely grassy texture
Is sublime beyond belief
The freshness of the meadows
Is in every juicy crunch
Oh God I just want lettuce
For breakfast, tea and lunch.

The moment that I place it
On my moist and eager tongue
It's like an angel singing
Some sweet song that God once sung
Like something almost holy
Has stirred within in my soul
And a million little fairy folk
Dance round my salad bowl

The heavens pour their glory
Upon my hot house bliss
And when I eat that curly stuff
My cheeks the cherubs kiss
My heart holds still for lettuce
Oh please give it to me!
Oh lettuce lettuce lettuce
You're as lovely as can be!

My God I want some lettuce
I really really do
I wish I had some lettuce
On which to munch and chew
Oh God I NEED some lettuce!
Oh God I need it now!
Some lovely curly lettuce
On which to dine and chow

Oh Lettuce! Lettuce! Lettuce!
Oh please bring me some lettuce!
Oh Lettuce Lettuce Lettuce please please please!
Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God I want some lettuce!
I'm begging you for lettuce on my knees!

Grrr [snort] herumph I need... lettuce...
Buh... buh... buh... eeenya-urk.... lettuce...
Water... water...? Lettuce
Oh God

juh... juh..





On Making My Own Beef Burgers

On Making My Own Beef Burgers

Last night I made some burgers
Myself, and for our tea.
I never did make burgers
Before last night, you see.
I usually go to Safeway
And get them from the freezer,
Then take them to the cashier
And pay for them with Visa.

But last night I made burgers
I made them straight from mince.
I only made them yesterday
I haven't made them since.
I slowly kneaded salt in,
(No reason to be hasty),
And bugger me, those burgers
Were really rather tasty.

So next time you want burgers
And go to use the phone
To order up your burgers
Why not try them at home?
You only need some minced meat
You don't need to be wealthy;
A much cheaper alternative
And really much more healthy!

February 2000

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