Up With The Cock
A Song In my Heart

A Song In my Heart

There's a song in my heart
And a skip in my step
And a merry old tune on my lips.
There's a glint in my eye
And a curl in my quiff
And an Elvis-style swing in my hips.
So let my heart sing
On this first day of Spring
And let me look forward to Summer.
No more frozen drains,
No burst water mains,
I won't have to call out a plumber.

There's a pong in my fart
It's a real shirt flap ripper
And plunders with hurricane force.
The stench is appalling
And unprecidented
By man, beast or demon. Or horse.
And as it pervades
Every valley and glade
I rejoice at my olfactory senses.
I can't grasp enough
How one's personal guff
Is much nicer than anyone else's.

There's a Wong in my cart
And a Xiaou and a Pun
And a Chin and a Ho and a p'Tang,
A Ming and three Chows
Ho-Chi-Minh, seven Maos,
I'm smuggling them all to England.
They're safely packed in
With a smile and a grin
They're heading for freedom tonight.
They were making a riot
But they've gone rather quiet
I do hope that they are all right.

There's a thong in my tart
Where there should be just raisins
I'll have to go back to the shop.
I'll speak my complaint
To the manager's face
And his sorry old nose I shall bop.
I'll punch his fat gut
And Doc Marten his nuts
And machete his friends and relations.
I'll burn down his dwelling,
Then silence his yelling...
Your Honour, I plead provocation.

There's a wrong in my art
And it must be put right,
I should not write poetry like this.
Oh, why do I do it?
I simply don't know.
Perhaps there is something amiss.
I feel I should strike it
But folk say they like it
Does that really mean it's all right?
There's no raison d'etre
For my poetry, yet
Oh, I know, it's OK, it's Shite!

The Glisten On The Aubergine

The Glisten On The Aubergine

What is there that's more serene
Than the glisten on the aubergine?
What on God's earth is akin
To that gleam upon purple skin?
To see the sun reflected so
Will always lift you when you're low.
So when your life is in a mess
Just gaze upon its pure brightness.

Oh aubergine, oh aubergine,
Delightful be thy glimmer
By contrast other vegetables'
Reflections are much dimmer.

What, pray tell me, could supplant
The sparkle of a fine eggplant?
To denigrate its luminosity
Is the pinnacle of pomposity.
You don't need a feather duster
To buff up its marvellous lustre,
Just the sun's caressing rays
Are sufficient for its glaze.

Oh aubergine, oh aubergine,
Pray lift me with your light.
Without your dazzling glisten
My life's a crock of shite.

What is there that can compare
With that brilliant shining glare?
Travel far across the briny,
You'll never see a thing so shiny.
And even when it starts to wrinkle
The eggplant's sheen beats any star's twinkle.
I'd happily sing and do a silly dance
In celebration of the aubergine's brilliance.

Oh aubergine, oh aubergine,
Oh how I love your gloss
You make all other vegetables
Look a pile of toss.

Oh aubergine, oh aubergine
How I admire your glitter.
You can take all other vegetables
And stick them up your shitter.

Oh aubergine, oh aubergine,
The finest on the planet.
To you I dedicate these words...
OK, you're right, I'll can it.

Nob Gags

Speak to me in nob gags
They're the ones I like to hear.
When someone's cracking nob gags
It's like music to my ears.

Nob gags are the best,
They're the finest kind of humour.
Much better than an Irish joke
Or far fetched office rumour.

Oh, how I do love nob gags
I could hear them all day long.
If you make a puerile quip
It must involve a shlong

And if I'm looking glum
And I need some cheering up
A good old fashioned nob gag
Is the thing to perk me up.

If you're an early riser
Say that you're up with the cock.
This is my favourite nob gag
And it's guaranteed to shock.

Let me offer you a drink
While I'm standing at the bar
But please say "Mine's a large one",
And I know that we'll go far.

Follow me into the gents
And in a loud voice shout
That great urinal nob gag,
"This is where they all hang out"

Tell me it's twelve inches
But you don't use it as a rule,
Or say you have to bone up
For a big exam at school.

"You'll only feel a little prick,"
That's what the nurse did say
I said that she'd feel rather more
If I could have my way.

"Do you have a large part?"
I said unto the actor.
He said it's just the way he walked.
Oh, how we died with laughter.

"Have you got a stiff one?"
I asked down at the morgue.
The man said he'd just got it out
And slammed it in the drawer.

And then I asked the fireman,
"Can I go down on your pole?"
Oh, when it comes to nob gags
I could take on any role.

So speak to me in nob gags.
It's the tongue I understand,
For one thing about nob gags
Is they're never ever bland.

Some people say sarcasm
Is the lowest form of wit.
Then the highest is the nob gag.
It surely is a hit.

Oh, speak to me in nob gags
In the pub or on the pavement,
For only then I'll truly feel
That we're on the same wavelength.

And when you've told me all your nob gags
'Til they're printed on my brain.
You can repeat them all tomorrow
For I'll surely come again.

June 2001

Luxury Private Holiday Villas in Bodrum Turkey pooclub | poowiki | subscribe Cheap Holiday Villas To Rent
Copyright © 1995-2018 Shitespace Limited. All rights reserved.