We're Gonna Burn For This
Shopping With Jesus

Shopping With Jesus

Jesus Christ al-fuckin-mighty
Would not buy my wife a nighty.
There I was in C & A
Standing in the queue to pay.
I realised I'd got no money;
You bet I didn't find that funny,
But what ensued was rather odd
For there I found the Son of God
Standing with a pair of knickers
In a queue which moved much quicker.
"Hoy there, hook-nose," I called out
And as he turned himself about
I said, "Hey, mush, you know what this is?
A birthday present for my missus.
But I've found I've got no wonger
And can't hang about here any longer.
This may be a bit empirical
But can you rustle up a miracle?
See this plastic coffee lid?
Turn it into twenty quid!"

"Sorry, mate," replied the Lord,
"I don't do tricks like that no more.
I'm only here to buy these pants.
They're for St. Paul. Oh, how he rants
About his saint's day, and he resents
Those who fail to get him presents.
I do hope these are the right size,
I can only judge it from his thighs."
So, quite rightly, I felt miffed
And so his bulbous nose I biffed.
And punched him firmly on the chin.
I don't care if it was a sin
But this was not acceptable behaviour
From who should have been my saviour.
Call himself a fuckin' messiah?
I'd get more joy from a tumble drier!
I've got the wrong god - I knew I shoulda
Gone with Brahma, Set or Buddha,
'Cos Jesus Christ Al-fuckin-mighty
Can't even buy my wife a nighty.

Shopping With Jesus #2

Jesus! what a tight-arsed git!
I bet He'll burn in hell for it.
That son of God's no good, I say.
Bloody Hell, eh? The youth of today!
Only some tight hook-nosed yid
Would risk his soul over a couple of quid.
Times are harsh when our immortal saviour
Can get away with such dreadful behaviour.
I never heard a tale so bad;
If I were you I'd tell his Dad!
Leave it to the wrath of God;
I'm sure he's not one to spare the rod.
He'll spank poor Jesus well and true
For being a tight-arsed cunt of a Jew.


As I sit me down to poo
I pray the Lord my bowels to move.
If they move before I sit
I pray for solid, healthy shit.

Jesus Was A Jew

Jesus Was A Jew

Jesus was a fisherman.
He fished upon the sea.
He liked to catch nice fishes
And eat them for his tea.
He liked to catch nice fishes
And cook them in a stew,
But he always threw the shrimps back
Because he was a Jew.

Jesus was a prophet.
He liked to prophesise.
He predicted lots of badness.
He was so very wise.
He told us "I'm your saviour!
Of evil you are rid!"
But he didn't eat pork scratchings
Because he was a yid.

Jesus was our saviour
The son of God was he
He walked around on top of
The sea of Galillee
He wore a little loin cloth
That fastened at the front
But he didn't eat much bacon
What a hook-nosed cunt!

The Lord's Prayer

Our farter,
which fart in heaven
Hallowed be thy methane
Thy dinkum cums
Thy will be bummed
In Mirfield as well as in Devon
Give this gay our daily head
And forgive us arse trespassers
As we forgive those that trespass into ours
Lead us not into ejaculation
But deliver us some more weed
For mine is the king's bum
The power of Jackanory
Forever and ever

January - April 2000

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