It was one
of those mornings where you wake up and
you just know something's going to go horribly wrong.
The mayor had got up, had his breakfast, arrived at
the city hall and taken his place at his sumptuous
leather topped mahogany desk without the horrible
thing happening yet.
He drummed his fingers on the desk top and waited
for the horrible thing to happen.
There was a knock at the door.
The door swung itself open without the need of a
beckon from the mayor.
This was normal and was not the horrible thing but
was horrible in itself as it prolonged the horrible waiting
for the horrible thing to happen.
"Good morning, your mayorness," greeted the sharp suited
young man who stepped through the door.
He had been the city clerk for the terms of office of the last
three mayors but had not yet learned how to address a
"Morning, Stigwood," responded the mayor, "Go on, lay it on me."
"Just two agenda today, your mayorjesty," said Stigwood,
"The opening of the east wing of the hives clinic at 11:30
and the judging of the plesiosaur obedience championship
"Thank you, Stigwood."
Neither of those two things were horrible.
In fact he would be finished for the day by half past
three and could go home early and do some dribbling.
Maybe he'd just woken up in a bit of a tizzy and the
day was going to be OK after all.
Yes, that was it.
Just a couple of appointments and a few administrative
duties in the office and the grand and noble city of
Having-a-Wank would tickover nicely for another day.
"Oh, and Tugger has returned. He's waiting outside."
Ah, this could be it.
Tugger was a decent enough chap but, the mayor thought,
just a little over zealous in his work.
He was the mayor's personal junior private undersecretary and
had been out on a fact finding trip to the neighbouring
city of Felching Yoghurt.
A rumour had circulated that the women of Felching Yoghurt
had rounder, firmer and just generally nicer tits than
those of Having-a-Wank.
Tugger had been dispatched on a two day assignment to
find out if there was any truth behind these rumours.
Six months later, he had returned and presumably was waiting
to report his findings.
"Send him in," said the mayor.
Stigwood departed and in stepped Tugger.
"Ah, Tugger, I'm glad you could pop in," said the mayor.
"As you know, I'm fairly relaxed when it comes to time keeping.
After all, who am I to come between a man and his dribbling?
However, I sent you out on a two day fact finding mission
six months ago and I have to say you do appear to be,
I hope this isn't too strong a word, late."
"It was a very difficult assignment," replied Tugger,
"I never expected there to be quite so many of them."
"What?" said the mayor.
"Tits," said Tugger brightly, "There were loads of them.
They had two each! Here is my report"
He slapped a thick heavy wad on the desk.
"And here are my expenses."
He slapped an even thicker, heavier wad on the desk.
The mayor gibbered at the thought of all the paperwork he'd have to do and
how much it could interfere with his dribbling.
"I shall look at them later," said the mayor, "Can you give me a summary of
"Certainly," said Tugger, "They are of an extremely high standard."
"Better than our women's?"
"Well, I don't know. I have yet to perform a similar survey on the women of
Having-a-Wank. However, that will have to wait as I have discovered something
terrible during my stay in Felching Yoghurt."
Oh dear, thought the mayor, this is it.
"It is a truly horrible, horrible thing. Something that could be disastrous to Having-a-Wank."
"Tell me," sighed the mayor.
"They are ridiculing our name!"
"What?" exclaimed the mayor, "Our great and glorious name? Derided on the
streets of Felching Yoghurt."
"How can they disparage Having-a-Wank? It is a noble name, passed down through
the centuries from the city's founder, Old Thingaty-Bobs!"
"Well," said Tugger, "They're claiming that in their language, Having-a-Wank means
cluster of small rhubarb field tenders. They sing songs about us growing rhubarb.
Their newspapers are littered with articles about how small we are and how much
time we spend in the allotments."
"But they speak the same language as us!" said the mayor, "How can they make this
"They have redefined the name Having-a-Wank to mean small group of people of
diminutive stature who grow rhubarb (badly)," said Tugger, "It is in the
latest edition of their dictionary and has proved to be enormously popular.
They plan to sell it to other towns throughout the kingdom."
"This is an outrage!" exploded the mayor, "Never has a single sprig of rhubarb been
grown on the hallowed soil of Having-a-Wank. This is going to be disastrous to
our tourist trade. I shall go to Felching Yoghurt immediately and have it out with
"No," said Tugger, "That's exactly what he wants. If you do that, he will publicly
present you with a limp stalk of rhubarb. He intends to do it on stilts so
he will have to pass it down to you. Everyone will laugh."
"The bastard!" cursed the mayor, "That's it! We're ruined."
"Not necessarily," said Tugger, "I have spoken to Professor Hardon, head of
linguistics at Bellend University and he's going to research the origins of
Having-a-Wank in the hope that he can find out what it really means.
As a countermeasure he's also going to look into the derivation of Felching
Yoghurt in the off-chance that it means something equally embarrassing."
"Good man," said the mayor, "Did he say when we can expect a result?"
"No," said Tugger, "But I'm going to go round there now to assist in his
research. Wanna come?"
"Too damn right I do."
The mayor's carriage was hurriedly prepared. Actually, it wasn't hurriedly prepared
because it was already being prepared for him to travel to the hives clinic but
due to the emergency everyone made it look like they were hurrying.
Nobody wanted to be seen not doing their bit for Having-a-Wank.
However, it was hurriedly driven. It was drawn as if the horses themselves knew
the importance of this journey. It hurtled down Pan Handle Avenue, round Helmet Corner
and as it sped past the hives clinic the mayor asked the driver for his knife.
With a well aimed throw the mayor spliced the ribbon that was draped across the
entrance to the east wing.
"I declare this wing open," he shouted at the assembled group of people who
clapped politely and then entered the east wing where there was a nice spread
of smoked salmon sandwiches.
Presently, they arrived at the university.
They found the professor in the library where he was pouring over an untidy
array of tomes and manuscripts with assistance from a man who looked a bit
like Keith Chegwin.
"Mr. Mayor, Tugger," greeted Professor Hardon, "May I introduce you to
Doctor Stone who is on a secondment from Bummingham Institute Of Linguistics.
The doctor has some rather disturbing news for you."
"Good morning, gentleman," spoke Doctor Stone, "I regret that I must inform you
that I am unwittingly responsible for the predicament that Having-a-Wank finds
"Explain," said the mayor.
"Recently, I was commissioned by the mayor of Felching Yoghurt to find out the
true origin of the name Having-a-Wank. I told him that it was a pointless exercise
as everybody knows that it was named by Old Thingaty-Bobs who founded the
city but no one knows what it means. He insisted that he wanted it researching
so I agreed but instead of doing the work myself I handed it to a student so I could
get on with some dribbling I'd put off from last week."
"Good man," said the mayor.
"Unfortunately not," said Doctor Stone, "The young rapscallion made up a load of
rubbish about rhubarb and fobbed it off onto the mayor."
"So, there's no truth in these rumours from Felching Yoghurt?" said Tugger.
"I'm afraid it's not as simple as that," said Doctor Stone, "You see, researchers in Felching Yoghurt
are claiming that they have found evidence that verifies the student's yarn.
They believe that Old Thingaty-Bobs founded the city by employing a group of
pygmies to grow rhubarb on the site of Having-a-Wank but they weren't very good
at it and so he had them build a city instead. Even if this turns out to be a complete
pile of arse the damage has already been done.
People like the new definition of Having-a-Wank."
"Shit! Then we're fucked!" said the mayor.
"Maybe not," said Professor Hardon, "I've been looking into the origins of
Felching Yoghurt. It appears that Yoghurt is a white creamy gooey liquid."
"A bit like sperm?" asked Tugger.
"Yes," said the professor, "but with a rather unpleasant taste. If we can find out
what Felching means, maybe we can make up something rude involving sperm."
"Oh, I say," said the mayor, "That's a bit nasty. But it would serve the fuckers right!"
he added with more than a hint of menace.
To be continued...