Once upon a time
in a land far, far away there stood a very beautiful palace
with ivory white turrets and a soft-focus rose garden which could
be smelt for miles around.
The inhabitants of the palace were, predictably enough,
a king and a queen.
And, also predictably, they had a daughter of the utmost beauty.
The king was a busy and serious-minded fellow who took the task
of running the country very solemnly indeed.
He was always attending meetings with his advisors and entertaining
the royalty of neighbouring kingdoms and opening shops and things.
Consequently, the queen and the princess saw very little of him.
The queen, as you can imagine, was pretty sexually frustrated.
Her husband often didn't come home to the palace for weeks on end,
and when he did he would sleep soundly because he was so exhausted.
It was hard for the queen.
She loved being a queen - don't get me wrong - she got to sit around
the palace wearing pearls and gerbil fur, and she'd been able to give up
her job in Safeways because the king had plenty of money.
But the queen hadn't had sex for almost four years now and she was
beginning to grow desperate.
She really didn't know what to do.
She had considered having an affair but it's not that easy when
you're a queen.
The media were always watching her - they hid in the bushes
surrounding the castle, in the tallest trees in the grounds of the
palace, even in the various cupboards inside the palace.
The media of this particular kingdom had been specially genetically
engineered to be very small - but very quick.
Consequently, they were able to hide in cracks in the wall
and inside jam jars.
The queen couldn't so much as fart or pick her nose without it
appearing in the paper or on the telly.
There didn't seem to be much chance of her having an affair.
If her husband saw that on the news she'd be back at Safeways
before she could say "Baggy Knickers!"
The princess knew how her mother felt but she felt powerless to help.
It was breaking her heart to see the way the poor queen looked at
sausages at dinner time, and the way she relentlessly ran her
fingers up and down tubes of Pringles with a far off look in her eyes.
The princess knew about the little media so she realised an affair
was out of the question.
One day, the princess was walking among the roses in the rose garden
when she was struck by an idea.
She made haste to the vegetable patch where her plan began to take
First, she gathered every single bamboo pole (destroying a few runner beans
in the process) that she could find and piled them up on the lawn.
Then she went and had a look in the garage.
The kingdom was famed for its successful fishing industry and the
queen through wont of anything better to do, often took charge
of the mending of fishing nets.
Lately, however, she had been so preoccupied with Hoover nozzles
and bottles of
that the pile of torn fishing nets had grown and grown and the garage
was now filled with them.
The princess dragged all the fishing nets out of the garage and placed
them on the lawn with the garden rods.
"Great!" she said.
The media were getting very puzzled.
They found it very odd but they could hardly report it!
Princess puts fishing nets and garden rods together on lawn
is hardly headline news!
A few of them went home - they didn't think anything news-worthy was
likely to come of the princess's activities.
The princess now began her task.
She placed the garden rods vertically and piled them up until they
reached almost half a mile towards the sky, tying them in place with
pieces of string.
She did this four times until she had a square.
She then sewed together all the fishing nets and draped them over
the poles so the effect was similar to a giant table with a
"Excellent!" she said.
She went and fetched the queen.
The queen was in the vegetable patch, lovingly tending to her royal
The princess bid her to follow and told her to bring an armful of
the larger, riper carrots with her.
The queen was confused but she did as the princess asked.
The queen followed the princess onto the royal lawn and climbed
up one of the poles behind her (the princess).
When they reached the top the queen bounced merrily on the fishing
It was rather like a hammock and very comfortable.
"This is lovely, dear!" she said, "But I don't see how it can help me!"
The princess smiled.
"You can come here and masturbate with the carrots!" said the princess.
The queen shook her head.
"No," she said sadly, "The media are very clever.
They'll follow me here and write about it in the papers. Look!"
She pointed downwards.
Sure enough, the media were climbing up the poles.
"No!" said the princess, "Watch!"
The media were beginning to reach the top and as they did they
slipped through the holes in the fishing nets and plummeted back
down onto the lawn.
"Brill!" said the queen, and the princess left her alone with the carrots.
Over the coming weeks, the queen would often disappear up the garden
poles, and always with an armful of over-sized carrots.
Her temperment improved vastly.
She was awfully grateful.
Then one day, as the princess wandered around the garden reading
Barbara Cartland novels, there was an almighty thud.
The princess ran to the lawn and found the queen lying dead on the
lawn, her knickers round her ankles and various carrots in various
places they oughtn't to be.
The princess looked up and saw that one of the tears the queen
hadn't sewn up in the fishing net had worsened, and soon the hole
had become so large the queen had fallen through it to her death.
The media were everywhere.
Little paparazzi were snapping with their cameras, and miniature
T.V. news reporters were broadcasting live to the entire kingdom.
When the king got to hear about it he was so embarrassed that he
abdicated and he and his daughter had to flee the kingdom and live
out the remainder of their days in a cave.
I bet he wishes he'd shagged his wife more now.