In the beginning God went to work
He whistled a tune and His face held a smirk
He looked at the chaos that hindered His sight
And boldly proclaimed, "Let there be Shite!"
Before any soul could persuade Him to can it,
Up popped a shiny blue round little planet
And some was in darkness and some was in day
And water and land were set in a nice way.
And in those pure waters so true to God's wishes
Were molluscs, crustaceans and sea weed and fishes.
The air filled with birds. Strange beasts roamed the land
Where God took a dollop of clay in His hand.
And with this large lump He proceded to fashion
(True to His fervent artistic passion)
A stunning, resplendently masterful figure
Which He clothed in a fig leaf 'cos one bit made Him snigger.
And proudly assured that He had done his best
God staggered home for a well-deserved rest.
He left the creation He'd just brought to life
And stumbled right into the jaws of His wife.
"And where do you think you have been for six days?
You KNEW that my mother was coming to stay!
Hey, I'm talking to you. Don't hide from my gaze!"
Eventually, God got a word in sideways...
"Now listen here woman let's all hear the facts
You knew damn well that I've had a six day contract!
How else do you think that I can pay the rent,
And all these fine things. They're not heaven sent!"
"All right Mr Smartarse, let's see what you've done.
That poxy small planet, that pale yellow sun!
And who's that strange bloke standing under that tree?
He looks just a wee bit too happy for me!"
"Adam," said God, "He's a really nice guy."
"I'll see to that," His wife did reply.
She tore out a rib from Adam's fine body
And left the poor chap looking cheapened and shoddy.
And what she did next, God had not envisaged.
She moulded the rib in her own frightful image.
"I'm calling you Eve, and this is your role:
You see that young man - keep him under control."
Now God felt that from this He'd come out the loser.
Gone were his plans to take Adam down the boozer.
Or go to the Saturday afternoon match
And later delight in some lap dancer's snatch.
He said, "OK but I must set one condition
Attached to Eve's Garden of Eden admission.
For I shall provide her with all that she needs
For this is one garden that's not full of weeds.
"And right in the centre I'll build a great store
And give Eve a Mastercard she can use for
Dresses and handbags and makeup and shoes
Chintzy gay curtains and rugs for her loos.
"Anything that her dear heart could desire
Will be in the store for the ultimate buyer.
I shall not impede her - there will be no stopping
But never must Eve ever take Adam shopping."
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