A Hearty Dump
 
A Poet's Life

A Poet's Life
Mike

So, you think it's easy
To live the life I do,
As a writer and a poet
For the benefit of you.
Passing on my wisdom
And knowledge of the world
In a manner you can understand
With rhyming scanning words.

I bet you think that I'm right soft
Just because I write
Poems and stuff instead of trying
To get into a fight.
You probably think I'm a fag
And that I'm all limp-wristed
And Graham Norton bared his arse
And I got down and kissed it.

Well, listen, Mr. Philistine,
It's not like that at all.
We poets are a hardy bunch,
Big and strong and tall.
The pen is mightier than the sword,
Well, that's what they may say.
But if you say my poem's a puff
I'll have you any day.

I'll punch your fucking lights out
And I'll smack you to the floor.
A headbutt in your face will leave you
Crying out "No more!"
And as you puke your guts out
And you fill your pants with poo,
I'll take a hearty dump with which
I'll deficate on you.

So, don't mess with us poets
We're hard as fuck we are.
We're not just brains and beauty
And we're sure not la-di-da.
Poems don't just write themselves
And words don't grow on trees.
You've got to be a hardcase
To write verses such as these.

You've got to know all sorts of stuff
About the world and that.
And beat it into rigid rhymes
That scan and don't fall flat.
So spare a thought and show respect
For every struggling poet.
We all know it's a dirty job
But someone's got to do it.

 
Ode To A Small Dog
Mike

My leg is not a bitch on heat
So why does it arouse you?
I do not wish to walk the streets
With dog sperm on my trouser.

 
Let's Swap Snot

Let's Swap Snot
Mike

Let's swap snot.
What a lot I've got.
Up my nose
Is its repose
But you can have the lot.

It may sound rather funny
But mine is loose and runny
Yours is stiff
And firm, what if
We swap some for no money?

And then they'll balance out.
The contents of our snouts
Will have good consistency
It makes so good sense to me.
Both of us winners, no doubt.

They'll say we're a couple of flookers
But I want to do it with you 'cos
Someone who manages
Their nasal passages
Sure is a master of mucus.

They'll say we're a couple of fogies
A disgusting pair of old toadies
They won't understand
Exactly how grand
It is to play with your bogies.

So let's give it a shot
I don't care a jot
What they say
So, what the hey,
Let's swap snot.

 
Ode To A Large Dog
Mike

Get your nose from out my groin
Just go chase some cat.
Like it if I sniffed your arse?
No, don't answer that...

 
Finger On The Button

Finger On The Button
Mike

Got my finger on the button
I'm ready for some action.
It only takes a gentle press
So let's see your reaction.
Do you moan, do you groan?
Do you squirm and wriggle?
Or do you just smirk childlishly
And give a little giggle?

Got my finger on the button,
How pleased it makes me feel.
The time it took to find it
Makes it such a great big deal.
But now at last I've got there
After nine attempts or more.
I hope I don't forget this place
Like I did before.

Got my finger on the button...
Damn! It's slipped right off the spot!
Now, it should be right back here,
Bloody hell... it's not.
Where the fuck's it gone to?
I just do not understand.
It's a needle in a haystack
And it's not what I had planned.

Got my finger off the button
And I'm feeling all deflated.
I'm sorry, love, I know that you
Should have been elated.
It's all my fault, I know it is.
I know that it's no joke.
But never mind, at least I can
Go straight in for a poke.

 
 
June 2002
 



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