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Shiterati: Jemma ("Spackerlegs")
 
Nice Things
Jemma

In summer there are lots of nice things
Like getting stoned in parks on swings,
Then summer fades and autumn brings
The wind and rain which really mings.
On winter days the birds don't sing
But fly away until it's spring,
Then summer returns with more nice things
Like getting stoned in parks on swings.

 
Jemma's Arse

Jemma's Arse
Mike

What's this strutting down the street
Looking oh so good to eat,
Spreading happiness and bliss
To everybody in Leeds 6.
'Neath skin tight pants or shortened skirt
What could ever be so pert?
Standing proud on legs of spacker
It's Jemma's arse and what a cracker!

From miles around you see them running
To view that tush that's just so stunning.
No other butt could be so pleasing
Or ideally made for squeezing.
Juicy as a piece of fruit,
Did e'er you see a thing so cute?
Of spots its surface is bereft
And parted by an awesome cleft.

Down the Fenton oft it goes
To see the people that it knows,
Or maybe to the Royal Park
To join the lock-in after dark.
On summer days it does nice things
Like sitting in the park on swings
Where people raise their joints and toast
The bottom that they love the most.

O' to be a pair of briefs
And clothe those buttocks underneath
Or better still a piece of poo
And thence those cheeks could I pass through.
So as I sit and cast my mind
Upon that sumptuous sweet behind,
That perfect bum without a fault,
Excuse me while I shoot my bolt.

Blort. Blort

 
Mikey Mikey, We All Love You So
Jemma

There's a little group of people
In a small part of this town,
And every now and then they will
Invite each other round.

They sit around and chat a bit
Exchanging words and thoughts,
Then take their pens and write some shit
To send to Mike of course.

For Mike they have a fondness;
This I think that he should know.
And when and night they're writing shite
They know he loves them so.

 
Cheese

Cheese
Jemma

It took place one evening
When I was quite pissed.
Kate left Glen's room
While her cat sat and hissed.

She said she was getting
A lovely surprise,
But when she returned
She made me close my eyes.

My senses were baffled;
My mouth opened wide.
What lovely delights
Might Kate have inside?

Then all became clear
As the cheese touched my tongue.
It was Shropshire Blue,
Yum yum yum yum yum yum.

 
Shoes

Shoes
Jemma

Red ones
Blue ones
Brown ones
New ones
Big ones
Tall ones
Shiny ones
Small ones
Nasty ones
Nice ones
Painful ones
Shoes.

 
Things That Aren't Cheese
Jemma

Things that aren't cheese
Don't really please;
Not salty or filling,
Just boring, like peas.

 
Sqezy

Sqezy
Jemma

A washing up product
By the name of "Sqezy"
Pisses me off -
It does not please me.

The reason being
A simple mistake
That such a company
Should not make.

It actually
Contains no "u".
What appears after
The "S" and "q"?

If you look very close
You'll realise
Why such a product
I despise.

In the first verse
You'll notice "please me"
Doesn't really rhyme
With Sqezy.

I think that it should
Be spelt with "k".
"Q" should fuck off
And go away

Back to "u"
Where it belongs.
I hate Sqezy
And it pongs.

 
Wet Gob
Jemma

Sleeping should be boring
Dribbling and snoring
But nothing could be better
Than your pillow getting wetter.

 
Jemma's Cellulite
Jemma

Jemma's arse has change a bit
Since all those years ago
It's got a little wobbly
As some of you may know.

No longer do the people toast
My sumptuous sweet behind
The ones who do are self-confessed
Dishevelled, sick and blind.

 
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