And with that God gave me a beer
Then kicked me firmly in the rear.
I landed face first in a middin
Which an auctioneer was bidding
For the highest price he could
From a crowd of planks of wood
Who seemed to be a bit dismayed
As in the steaming heap I laid.
Five pounds, ten pounds, twenty, fifty,
The planks of wood were getting nifty.
One hundred, two hundred, three hundred, four,
They all were jumping on the floor.
A thousand pounds and rising fast,
The auctioneer he was aghast.
The bidding passed a million pounds
And showed no sign of slowing down.
Finally the hammer fell
Upon the dung heap and its smell
For a billion squillion quid
Which a pine wood plank had bid.
It stepped up forth and with a grin it
Claimed the heap and all within it,
Then I knew this plank of wealth
Had only gone and bought myself.
Bound in chains I was dragged away
To labour in the docking bay
Of an interstellar cruiser
That my plank bought down the boozer.
All day long I parked the shuttles
Of important high-brow Yuttles,
These were creatures from Uranus
That the planks of wood deemed famous.
By night I had to serve the wine
As plank and Yuttle wined and dined
And as they engaged in conversation
I listened with great consternation
To their devious cunning plot
To raid the Earth of all it's got.
Their final goal was, I did find,
The genocide of all mankind.
To put an end to their alliance
I announced with great defiance
That I had an aunt in Crewe
Who could chop planks right in two
And she could brew a deadly potion
Which smelled a bit like sun tan lotion
And made extra-terrestrial beings
Mutate into bathroom ceilings.
Auntie Brenda's Pheasant
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