This Wretched Life
At night I dream of lager,
and watching my TV
I thought a fly flew in my ear;
it stung me . . . it's a bee.
The aliens watched from above
while laughing at my plight.
Their mind probes took out half my brain
but gave me the power of flight.
I wandered lonely through the streets
and cursed this wretched life.
A thieving gypsy stole my shoes
and later became my wife.
We nurtured fifteen children.
They stole cars and sniffed glue,
so I kicked their sorry asses
while wishing they were you.
The biggest fish in all the world
is living in my brain.
He swims around from side to side;
it's driving me insane.
I've tried my best to coax him out;
I've even bribed the twat,
But he keeps on feeding on my thoughts
and, God, he's getting fat.
I've tried to be so good and pure
(I'm sure I heard him snigger)
and with every evil thought I have
that fish is getting bigger.
He speaks to me, that BASTARD fish,
and orders me about.
He makes me do all kinds of stuff,
my huge satanic trout.
I walked down the street amazed at the sight
of my local vicar as high as a kite.
A few of my friends called over to me,
wearing their shades they were sat round a tree
rolling a spliff and passing the bong.
They were playing guitar and singing along.
A stranger screamed out "What a beautiful day!"
With a smile and a wave I went on my way.
While strolling along I passed through a park
I looked at the sky it was getting quite dark.
Hundreds of people were gathered around
in a big circle all sat on the ground.
I wondered if this might have been a huge error
as the looks on their faces were that of pure terror.
When I got home I switched on the T.V.
I knew that this was all down to me.
Thousands had died 'cause they thought they could fly,
the day I put drugs in the water supply.
"Not Moose" was a rather unpleasant Canadian who we had the misfortune to have wander into pooclub one day.
Ode To Not Moose
You joined up to pooclub out of the blue
We thought 'oh how nice to have someone new'
But little did we know you'd be ranting and yelling
And frequently taking the piss out my spelling
You may call me fat and ugly and thick
But at least I don't dress like a mountie, you prick
It's clear that our humour goes over your head
But we can't really blame you for being inbred
I hear with Canadians this isn't so rare
Huge heads on small bodies and excess bodyhair
You think you are clever with all your abuse
But your inbreeding shows in your IQ, Not Moose.
I'll tell you how much I like trees ...
I love them when I'm on my knees
I love them with my legs akimbo
I love them when I'm in the disco
I also love them when I'm nude
And covered in all kinds of food
And when I'm dancing in the rain
And even when in loads of pain
I love trees when very drunk
And occasionally when smoking skunk
Often when I'm dressed in drag
But mostly when I'm having a shag.
No Sleep 'Til L.A.
When i lay me down to sleep
I pray the lord my soul to keep
Now this would all be very well
But im already going to hell
Though this isn't the point that im trying to make
As i sit here all awake
I've tried to rest my weary head
I've shut my eyes and laid in bed
But nothing makes me go to sleep
Not camomile tea or counting sheep
I've swallowed many valium
And still sweet slumber doesn't come
I've contemplated reasons why
I just cant get any decent shut eye
I've tried some good old solo sex
But even this has no effects
In shutting me down for the night
And so i'll turn back on the light
And drink some wine and write more Shite.
Lullaby For Rachel
Rachel, Rachel, go to sleep,
Your tale of woe has made me weep,
Cuddle comfy in your sack,
Rest your eyes and soothe your back.
Soon the sandman will be here,
So finish up your can of beer,
The sandman has a massive willy,
So go to bed now, don't be silly.
He'll sprinkle sand into your eyes,
And then give you a BIG surprise,
For as you lie immersed in dream,
He'll do things that are quite obscene.
So come on Rachel, go to bed,
The sandman's waiting to give you head.
The only bad thing with my nose
Is the rate at which it goes
If only like pinnochio
I had a nose that liked to grow
Although to you it mightlook fine
Each time i sniff another line
It just seems to dissolve some more
I wish i wasnt quite so poor
Then i could get some surgery
This really is getting to me
Maybe if i had some class
I'd hire someone to blow it up my ass
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