Zut Alors! This cannot be!
How can you do this thing to me?
The one thing we creatures cannot stand
Is sudden breaks in a long poem's scan.
How did you know? And know too well
That what you did would break the spell
And release me from my Frenchness
Oh merde! I can't find anything to rhyme with "Frenchness"!
My beret's fallen off my head
My stripey shirt has turned plain red
The string of onions round my neck
Has shivelled up! Oh flippin' heck!
And now my cheroot has gone out,
I've fallen off my bike... ouch!
The trusty baguette by my side
Is now a loaf of Mother's Pride!
I could not eat one more frog's leg,
I want a vindaloo instead.
And as I feel my last remnants of Frenchness disappear
I can see once more, so crystal clear,
That I am English, through and through!
Gor Blimey, I feel such a fool,
I can't believe that I have been
Possessed by such an evil being.
Kate, my friend, you've saved my life
And spared me from torment and strife.
I ought to kiss you on the lips,
But instead I'll just go get some fish and chips.
That's my man! I'm proud of you!
You're not French! You're truest blue!
As English as a Stilton ripe,
Or fish and chips, or pies, or tripe.
As British as a nice pork pie,
No reptile limbs I've seen you fry!
So tek thee off thy stripey shirt,
And get thee d'an the pit wi' dirt,
And get thee back ter Leeds wi' wife,
Or A'll beat you ter wi' inch er yer life.
And when A've finished wi' yer arse,
A'll go round ter yer mam's posh 'ouse,
An' tek 'er telly, nick 'er bag,
An' shag 'er 'cause yer mam's a slag.
Ee! By 'eck! That's really grand!
'Tis good to live in fair England.
And now that things are back to normal
It's time to conclude with the moral
Which is... well, just don't be French, I guess.
They're people with whom you don't want to mess.
But this advice is lost, I fear.
'Cos no one will have have read to here.
This poem is far too long, I say,
We've lost our readers on the way,
And anyone who still is reading
Has to be some fuckin', bleedin'
Stupid tosser with no brain
Or sense to come in from the rain.
So let us pack it in right now,
It's time for us to take a bow.
And if there's someone still out there,
Well... do we really care?
No, not really, Mike.
Part 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
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