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  Today's Events
  Monday 17 July
National "Feeling A Bit Sorry For Yourself" Day
Forthcoming Events
  Tuesday 18 July
Festival Of Goosing

Happy Birthday, Joel!
  Wednesday 19 July
St. Wanker's Day
patron saint of students
  Thursday 20 July
Tynwald Day (Isle Of Man). Long before dawn, crowds of mackintoshed Manx spinsters begin assembling at Ocra's Kiosk, site of the mythical Masturbation of Bogroll Broadthighs in AD 785, and eat raw herrings until it stops raining.
  Friday 21 July
Limbless Japanese skateboarder due to reach summit of Everest today. 2nd to do so.

National Gimmick Day
  Saturday 22 July
Ulster: Orange marchers protest the election of a Roman Catholic Pope.
  Sunday 23 July
Oxford Street Christmas decorations switched on today.
  Monday 24 July
4.00pm World Wildlife Fund opens Public Lice Sanctuary in Dumfries.

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