Art Or Arse?

Well another lovely year is drawing to an end, and once again we find ourselves in the midsts of TV 'Best of' madness. It seems we Brits are obsessed with working out who's thing was better than what at doing stuff. We've had Best 100 Albums Ever and Best 100 Films, as well as all the usual boring old Smash Hits-MTV-TV.Quick award stuff.

Now this is all fair enough because it's mildly entertaining to watch this stuff. I for one rather enjoyed shouting 'Bollocks!' at the telly when The Shawshank Redemption came in 20 points ahead of The Great Escape. And laughing my tits off when David Gray's 'White Ladder' romped in 30 points ahead of Van Morrison's 'Astral Weeks' in VH1's 'Best Albums' show. The fact is, I like this kind of telly. It's honest and entertaining, and it means that talented and exceptional people get to bask some of the appreciation they deserve.

However, there's one annual award ceremony that even I don't understand. It's on every year and seems to serve no purpose whatsoever. Yes, you guessed it. The Turner Prize.

Now someone please tell me. What's the fucking point in this programme? It's rubbish! To start with, there are only 4 finalists. 4! Where's the excitement in that? And do we get to vote? No, do we bollocks. Some poncey art critic arse-holes do it. We don't even get to ring in! And, what's more, if 'art' is so important then how come they can't find more than 4 artists to enter? And why are the 4 they choose always so bloody crap?

I don't know if anyone saw last nights' ceremonials, but the thing that won was, frankly, shit.

Martin Creed's 'art' consisted of a piece of blu-tak stuck to a wall, a few pieces of scrunched up paper and a light going on and off. He didn't even draw anything! You'd at least expect a picture of a sunset or something, but there was nothing! Just a load of... well... rubbish.

Which brings me to the question - If art is so important that they have to force the entire country to sit through 2 hours of boring old arse every year, then why isn't it any good? At least you need talent to produce the best TV moment. You need teams of script writers and actors and directors and stuff. And the end result is interesting and appealing to a wide range of people. But art? A bloke with a piece of Blu-Tak come along and it's considered important. I mean, whatever next? Before you know it, some bloke'll turn up with half a dead cow and they'll give the Turner prize to him!

So I say lose the Turner prize. We don't want to see it. Channel 4 could screen something really interesting and genuinely moving instead, like 'Nation's Bravest Dogs' or 'Top 100 Charity Supporters'. Get people to really work for their money, while providing the British public with some good old-fashioned entertainment.

I can stick a piece of blu-tak to a wall too, Channel 4! Why don't you give me the 20k? I won't make you broadcast the moment and you wouldn't have to pay Madonna to present the cheque. I'd make do with Carol Vodermann, or Seal.

The Turner Prize is nothing but a TV show in which wankers get paid for being twats. I tell you what, if any of my bloody tax money gets spent on bloody art this year I shall find Mr Creed and shove his bit of blu-tak up his arse.

And maybe next year they'll give the prize to me.

Kate 10 Dec 2001

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