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How To Bag A Pooclubber
by HRH Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
Now I've explained to you all about
The Cull
so I'm not going through that again.
Tough titty to those of you who weren't paying attention.
But what you will now need to know is how to identify the pooclub characters
that you're going to encounter in the forum.
So listen carefully, because I won't say it twice.
Johnny Pooclubber is a sneaky chap.
He comes in many guises so you've got to be on your toes at all times.
He has no regard for fair play, and will quite readily cheat, abuse, lie
and in extreme cases ignore you.
So, rifles at the ready, stiff upper lip, and let's go bag some pooclubbers
Mike - founder
Wankstain
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Likes to call himself Mike Two-Sheds but others prefer to to call him
Nobsack, Fuckface, Cuntbreath and other similar appellations.
A Yorkshireman hiding in Islington, London
he'll try and throw you off his scent by regularly changing the email
address from which he posts.
He puts this down to the transient nature of his employment, attributing
this to what he calls his 'free spirit contractor lifestyle',
but you'll easily be able to identify him as he talks like a right cock.
more...
Ciaran - official jester
Kitchen Boy
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This fiendish rogue will try to hide behind a multitude of identities,
Simon Hite, Kitchen Boy, Salad Chomper, Mary, to name but a few.
A tricky prey to catch; he rarely ventures beyond the security of his house
(usually the kitchen) due to his fear of the outside world despite living
in a remote part of North Yorkshire where there's fuck all but fields.
He can usually be recognised by the sneering noise he makes when refering
to anything that's not part of his kitchen where he likes to lurk and perform
household chores.
more...
Brian - health and safety officer
Oaf
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Gay, ginger, Welsh. These are three words with which you can easily flush
out this bounder.
Upon their utterance, this gawping great lummox will explode into a tirade
of abuse, denial, and insistance that he is actually Scottish but living in Grimsby.
In such instances, sit back, enjoy the fireworks, then get him in your
crosshairs and blam!
Brian likes to present himself as a lantern jawed ladies man, windswept
and interesting, but in actual fact he's an utter cunt.
Oh, and watch out for when he goes for one of his 'big wanks'.
That's merely a diversion.
more...
Naomi - complaints manager
Cloth-eared bint
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This foulmouthed harridan from Essex, now resident in Cornwall, is perhaps
the easiest to spot.
You will probably hear the torrent of abuse from her potty mouth long before
you actually encounter her.
She can also be recognised by her regular whinges and calls of 'It's a fix',
'When are we going back to Yahoo?' and 'Fuck off, Mike'.
It is no coincidence that an anagram of her name is 'I moan'.
If you do have any difficulties tracking her down, the best tactic is to
disqualify her from a game with a highly contrived excuse.
more...
BM - special needs assistant
Retard
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Derbyshireman BM calls himself 'Big Mike' ostensibly to differentiate himself from the other
Mike but in reality to piss him off.
From what I can see, BM’s only purpose appears to be to spare Brian from
being pooclub’s thickest spaz.
He won't be missed - in either sense of the word.
more...
Ian - grammarian
Mr Picky
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This pedantic bastard from Merseyside will pick you up on the slightest grammatical
error or spelling mistake.
Well, he'd better not try it on on me.
We Greeks invented the bloody English language, you know.
more...
Joel - spiritual guidance counsellor
Weirdo
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An East Londoner, now living in Hong Kong, Joel will sometimes post a load
of Zen stuff to pooclub.
Personally, I've no time for all that Buddhist nonsense.
What's wrong with a proper religion like what those
Yaohnanen people on Vanuatu worship?
more...
Victor - bread adviser
South African, but not one of them 'blicks'.
Works for a flour mill from which he happily dispenses advice on bread
related matters.
Other pooclubbers will try to hide him from you by maintaining that he
lives in Milton Keynes. Yes, they're a sneaky lot as I said.
more...
Rob
Good British chap gone wrong. He now lives in Ohio.
If you're lucky enough to catch a rare glimpse of him he may already have
bagged a good quarry of his own.
Still, don't let that stop you going for the bugger.
Keith
Another ex-pat, now living in the Czech Republic, whatever that is.
So, there you have it.
A disreputable bunch of ne'er-do-wells if ever I saw one.
Get your trigger fingers at the ready, take a steady aim, and FIRE!
Er, I mean
vote!
Happy hunting!
HRH Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
Cull a pooclubber
Next month's Cull candidates
Tell your friends. Better still, tell your enemies.
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Wednesday
8
September
2010
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