Carol Vorderman presents...
Welcome to The Cull, a new exciting reality internet experience
in which you decide who lives and dies in a web forum.
The principle is simple - you observe the characters in the web
forum participating in various hilarious activities such as choon
choozing, topic debating, a huge variety of competitions and, of
course, endless pointless bickering. Then cull them.
Because The Cull is wholly interactive, you can join in the
activities and ask the characters any questions you like, even
abuse them if you so wish, or perhaps have a shot at one of the
prizes that are regularly on offer.
Then at the end of each month you get to cast your vote for
whichever character you would like to see culled.
The forum we have chosen for The Cull is pooclub as it has been
going on way too long and has too much dead wood in it.
Once pooclub has been totally eradicated we will move on to another
web forum that would benefit from this invaluable service for the
Here's our resident Cull Master, His Royal Highness Prince Philip,
Duke of Edinburgh to explain the cull procedure.
Culling The Bastards
Like me, I'm sure you all occasionally get a little tired of
shooting dumb animals and long for some truly stupid ones instead.
Well, now's your chance.
Come with me and I'll show you how to wipe out an entire forum
of morons armed with little more than your own laptop.
First, we need to stalk our prey and we do that by sneaking into
pooclub's Googlegroup here:
Here, we can observe our quarry in its natural habitat.
There is no need to hide.
You can go right up to these creatures and slap them in the face
and they won't have the good sense to run away.
The tactic is to identify the lamest of these lame ducks and mark
your target at our culling poll here:
Now this isn't one of your namby pamby reality TV shows where you
vote to save the characters that you like.
No, here you must vote for the one you most want to get rid of.
The one that has really arsed you off over the last few weeks.
The one that you'd really like to take out into the courtyard and
administer a damn good thrashing to.
The one you'd like to have stuffed and mounted on display at the
entrance to the banqueting hall.
Maybe that Mike Two-Sheds twat has been getting a bit too full of
his own importance.
Perhaps you've become pissed off with nobsack Ciaran constantly
pouring scorn on anything beyond his kitchen.
Or what about that cloth-eared bint Naomi who whinges about
everything, or fuckwit Brian who deliberately goes out of his way
to irritate people?
Whatever the reason, if they get your dander up, put your mark on
them and Iíll go and do the deed.
If you ask me, culling's too good for them.
Personally, Iíd chaingang them together to follow the missusís
corgis around and make them eat up their turds.
But that's regulations for you.
Right, follow me now and I'll show you who's who and
how to bag a pooclubber.
HRH Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
Go on, give us a write up