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Wednesday 24 January 2018

The Meaning Of Liff
A lump of something gristly and foul tasting concealed in a mouthful of stew or pie. Grimsbies are sometimes merely the result of careless cookery, but more often they are placed there deliberately by Freemasons. Grimsbies can be purchased in bulk from any respectable Masonic butcher on giving him the secret Masonic handbag. One is then placed in a guests food to see if he knows the correct masonic method of dealing with it. If the guest is not a Mason, the host may find it entertaining to watch how he handles the obnoxious object. It may be

(a) manfully swallowed, invariably bringing tears to the eyes,

(b) chewed with resolution for up to twenty minutes before eventually resorting to method (a),

(c) choked on fatally.

The Masonic handshake is easily recognised by another Mason incidentally, for by it a used grimsby is passed from hand to hand. The secret Masonic method for dealing with a grimsby is as follows : remove it carefully with the silver tongs provided, using the left hand. Cross the room to your host, hopping on one leg, and ram the grimsby firmly up his nose, shouting, 'Take that, you smug Masonic bastard.'

I Never Knew That
Adult earwigs can float in water for up to 24 hours

Poem Of The Day


A gaseous malodorous 
Stinking savage fart 
Was all that I could manage 
When I spread my cheeks apart. 

It wasn't brown or sloppy, 
It wasn't thick or long. 
Surreptitiously invisible, 
But it didn't half pong. 

I attempted urination; 
I squeezed 'til I was sore. 
But I couldn't coax my bladder, 
I just parped foul gusts some more. 

The queue outside the bathroom 
Was quickly getting longer. 
But I was fucked if I was leaving 
'Til I'd dropped a log-like ponger. 

I clenched my buttocks firmly 
And pushed with all my might. 
I growled and moaned and grunted, 
But still I couldn't shite. 

An hour passed - I gave up. 
I didn't stand a chance. 
I sadly left the bathroom 
Where I promptly shat my pants. 

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