Radio Poo Phone-In Wins Poomail Of The Month

And the winner of March's Poomail Of The Month is... Kate!

Yes, Pooclub's experimental radio station "Radio Poo" spawned a momentous poomail from Kate during Mike's morning phone-in programme. Radio Poo hit the airwaves on 13th March for one day only to test the feasibility of pooclub branching out into radio. To find out what Radio Poo was all about, check out the opening messages from Mike Msg #12584 and Msg #12585.

But the high spot was when Kate "phoned in" with an "our tune" style story of love and betrayal which was in response to a request posted by Brian, Msg #12603.

Don't forget, if any further poomails particularly impress you, please nominate them in the "Poomail Of The Month Nominations" table in the pooclub database.

And now for Kate's winning poomail...

Our Tune

Hello? Is that Radio Poo?

My name's Kate and I'm ringing from Leeds. You read out a request before for me? From some bloke called Brian? Well I just wanted to make another, er, request. Is that okay? But first, can I tell you a bit about Brian?

[Simon Bates 'Our Tune' music in background]

Well... it's like this, you see. Many years ago I were working on a hot dog stall in Barnsley. I were only 16 and I'd just left school with a GCSE in home economics. I were right proud. Anyway I were working in this van selling hot dogs, like, and this bloke comes up to me one night, after the Queen's Tits had shut, and asked me out. He were right fit an' all. He had right long hair and wore this right nice leather jacket.

Anyway he said his name were Brian, and he were from abroad. He had a right nice accent and right nice ginger hair, he looked right Scottish and exotic. I right fancied him, so I says "Yeah, go on then Brian. I'll go out with yer, where yer taking us then?"

So the next day this massive motorbike pulls up outside me mam's block of flats and when I looked outside, there were Brian! And he'd only gone and brought me mam a bunch of flowers. He came in and me mam were right impressed with him. Before we went she got me in the kitchen and told me that he had right nice manners and that.

Anyway, he gave me a lift on his bike and it were ace. Fat Sharon from off the estate saw me and she were right jealous. Best she'd ever had were kebab Carlos down that back alley off Sheffield Street, and he were a right dog and all. And my mate Kylie said she'd seen his cock and it were right small an' all.

Sorry Mike [snigger], yer not meant to say owt like that on the radio are yer?

Anyway, Brian took us out for a right posh lunch down town at Cafe Acropolis, by the bus station. Oooh, I can still taste that chip buttie, it were right nice it were. It had this right nice bread which were white but without all them brown bits like in Mighty White what me mam gets. Mmmm. And after that we went down the King's Cock for a pint.

We'd had a few lager and blacks and we were well pissed. Oh, sorry Mike. We were right cunted anyway, we were. And I right loved him, like I'd never felt like that about any bloke before. He'd bought all me pints for us, and he'd just been a right gentleman an' all, all he'd done was try and feel me tits while we were playing pool, he hadn't been near me fanny all day.

Anyway, we stayed down the pub for a bit and then we went down Carlos's for a kebab. Brian were right pissed, he kept getting his cock out and putting it in me kebab, getting me to take a bite and that, it were right funny. He were a right laugh. We went out the kebab shop and I said he could finger me if he wanted cause I loved him and that. Well he said he loved me and all, but he'd rather just have his cock sucked. Shit, Mike. Sorry. I won't swear again. Don't cut me off.

Anyway, we went down the alley, and he got out his cock and when it were hard it were fucking MASSIVE. So I gave him a right good blow...

Alright Mike, sorry. Well you can guess what happened next. Me mam had said "Don't shag 'em on the first date, always wait until the second one or they'll think yer easy," but me mam shags owt so I never listened anyway, and I LOVED him, I did. Right... a lot. An' it were right romantic, down Kebab Carlos's back passage, wi' street lamps on an' that. And Brian found this old crate what Carlos had chucked out, and we did it on that, it were beautiful.

Anyway, I got a right bollocking when I got in. Me mam were right arsey with us. She said she'd smoked 100 fags since four o'clock she were that worried, but she always does that so she can fuck off.

Anyway, next day I tried to ring Brian, but the number he'd given me were wrong. I tried mixing the numbers round a bit and that, in case he'd just forgot it what with him being right pissed and that, but it didn't work.

So I went down the garage where he said he worked, and his boss says he didn't know any Brian, and that he must have been fucking me about. I were right upset. I mean... I fucking well loved him.

Anyway, me period were late weren't it? Me mam were right arsed off. I were so stressed out I started smoking 100 fags a day like me mam. The council give me a flat near hers and that, and me sisters Shannon and Joanne give us some baby clothes and that. And nine months later I had me son, Brian Junior.

He's 12 now, my Brian, and he's got right ginger hair like his dad. He's right clever. He wants to be a mechanic an' all, he wants to fix cars like his dad. I tell him about his dad, how he were a right gentleman an' that. I still think about him. I've never loved anyone like him. I've shagged loads of blokes, but none of them were as good as my Brian.

So Mike, can you play this song for Brian. Tell him he's got a son now, and he's a good lad who's just in with a bad crowd which is why he's at that special school an' that. And Mike - can you tell him I'll never forget that special night, and that I still love him.

This song were playing in the Kebab shop when he 'ad his knob in me chips. It's always meant loads to me.

It's Whitney Houston 'I Will Always Love You'.

Ta Mike. See ya. Bye. Bye.

Weather

Today it will be warm.

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